A Trans Story - Part 6

A Trans Story – Part 6

 

So where are we now. I have covered most of my back story, atleast what I remember of it anyways, plus my marriage. So where to go next. I think it will be with me accepting myself.

Accepting myself as Trans was particularly difficult for me. No one really knew and I figured it would be a huge surprise to everyone, and it was to quite a few, but to some not at all.

Every time I thought about it, wished for it and dreamed of it, I also saw the difficulty it would create. No one at work knew my secret and after 12 years in the one place I was fairly well known there. There would be difficulty with my family and my friends. There was only really one person who knew and that was my wife, although she was maybe not even aware how strong my dysphoria really was. I had only spoken about it a couple of times over the years.

I pretty much covered the time I accepted myself, so I wont bore you with going over that again. As you know, I finally accepted myself around August of 2015, atleast enough to go and see a therapist, but my true acceptance was October when I started on Hormones.

I cannot adequately describe how I felt when I first started Hormones. It was an illuminating moment for me. Finally I was at the beginning of a path that could lead me to what I had always desired and longed for. I was scared and excited. My fear came from thinking of the changes that would happen to my body and how long I would be able to disguise them. And my excitement came from those changes too. It was really interesting to feel so much excitement, fear, wonder and happiness all at once.

After deciding that Hormones were right for me it took me a week or so to schedule an appointment. I took a long lunch from work and went to see the Doctor and got the prescription quite easily. I really wanted to pick them up immediately, but I had to go back to work, and my local pharmacy was a good half hour away. So I had to wait until after work to pick up my Meds.

That afternoon at work was one of the longest of my life. No one knew and I could hardly concentrate on my job. All I could think about was that my journey was about to begin. I was going to discover who I truly was. I do remember I was almost giddy with excitement that afternoon and it was so difficult to keep my mouth shut. I so longed to tell my friends, but I still wanted to keep it quiet for just a bit longer.

Needless to say I picked up my meds as soon as I got off work. The drive home was torturous and so many idiots were between me and my medications. Seemingly more idiots than normal. But I got there. Picking them up was an experience to be sure. When you are Male and pick up Spironolactone, progesterone and Estradiol its fairly safe to assume that the person filling the prescription will know what they are for. And I did get the usual questions, like do you want to speak to a pharmacist, but it was asked awkwardly this time. As always I said no. There was no reason to, I knew what I wanted.

So I get home, and my excitement is bubbling over. My prescription was to take one of each pill, twice a day, morning and night. I suppose I could have waited to start in the morning, but no that was impossible. There was no way at all that those pills were going to sit there all night, without me taking my first dose.

My heart raced, I was short of breath as I looked at the tiny pill that was going to change my life. I was surprised by how small the Estradiol was, and the low dose that I was getting. I had such high hopes for it, and it was so small, surely this amount would do nothing for me, but I had to trust that my Doctor knew what he was doing and the dose would be right. I took the pills and it was like my life changed in that one instant. I swear I could almost feel them starting to work. Oh I know it was my imagination, but it felt good. I was so beyond excited to finally have feminine hormones within me, but still I was worried. I was concerned the dose was not right. I was worried about the adverse effects that could happen, and I was worried about the results. Like I said, I had high hopes. I knew what I wanted, but feared the results would be so much less than what I really longed for. How little I knew back then.

My first week flew by with me constantly hoping for results. By now you will be aware that I am rather impatient, lol, and this was no different. I really longed for instant results. That’s not ever going to happen ofcourse, but inside I can still hope. My impatience made it really tempting to take more than the recommended doses. But I had read up enough, and had enough common sense to know that was a bad idea and that these changes need to occur slowly – a very difficult situation for me.

And the allergic reaction which slowed things down made that first few weeks so much worse. Luckily we found out quickly enough that it was the progesterone, but it slowed things down more than I wanted, particularly since I didn’t want anything slowed down at all, lol. Recently some have suggested that it wasn’t the progesterone itself, but actually some other ingredient in the medication that I was allergic to. While that is possible, I tend to discount it, as I have never had an allergic reaction to any medication in my entire life, nor have I ever suffered from any side effects. So I personally don’t think it was another ingredient and perhaps think it was my body telling me I didn’t need it. Some would disagree I am sure, as there are proponents to Progesterone out there. I have spoken to a few that are in favour of it. But my own research indicated that they jury was still undecided on the benefits of it, with some saying it enhanced breast growth and others saying it made no difference at all. And since I am already taking more medication than I ever have, I see no reason to add another pill into the mix without there being a verified benefit.

Once I got back on track with my Meds I was beyond eager to take more, but once again I had enough common sense not to do that. One thing you really want to do in this situation is be very careful with your medications. I cannot stress this enough. You cannot take more than prescribed and you Must continue your check ups with your doctor. It is essential to spot any possible problem that might occur. But I continued to take one of each pill morning and night, waiting and waiting for some changes to happen.

It seemed, then, to take forever. But a couple of months after starting full time hormones I felt my first change. It was tenderness in my chest. The first time I noticed it was when I rolled over in the early hours of the morning, to lay on my front and I felt a dull ache in my chest and I knew that growth was beginning. I cannot tell you how my heart soared to feel that discomfort. Some might find it odd, that discomfort can bring me happiness, but for me it was a physical sign that something was finally happening. And I can say, more than a year later, my outlook has not changed at all. I still love the tenderness I sometimes feel in my breasts, cause it means more changes. And there are other discomforts that I have cherished. I loved my increased emotion, even though it took me time to learn to control it, I still loved it. I loved the occasional hot flash that I have gotten and anything else that it means to be a woman is cherished by me. Some cis gender women think I am not in my right mind, particularly when I mention that I am sad I will never experience a period. They look at me as if I am nuts and then tell me I am lucky. Actually no I am not. That missing experience is something else that sets me apart. Its something I will never feel and that lack will always make me feel like an “Other” It is just another sign that I was born weird, broken, or just messed up. Another sign that, in my mind, I will never be a full and complete woman. Despite my happiness and joy on this new path, I still carry that sadness with me. And all the aspects of womanhood that I missed out on, and will never get to experience add to that feeling and reinforce that I am something different. Oh how I would love to experience a period, and other aspects of womanhood that are denied me.

Still I am learning to deal with what is missing. I am learning to get by and accept that I am different for a reason. What that reason might be is beyond me, but I know that my journey is far from over and who knows what experiences await me. I look forward to all the changes with expectation and excitement. I am eager for whatever else might come my way.