A Trans story - Attractiveness

A Trans Story – Attractiveness.

 

Ok this may seem like I am going a wee bit off topic, but since its my topic I guess its allowed, lol. But I was wondering – what makes someone attractive? I mean physically attractive. Oh I know that its all about each to their own, but lets look at it from a point of view of self.

Growing up I never considered myself to be all that attractive, average at best, perhaps even homely. I wasn’t big, or skinny, mostly average build and size. I wasn’t brilliant at any kind of sporting event, or much of anything else for that matter. In no way did I stand out at all. And it seemed that they girls opinions of me bore out my own opinion – that there was nothing much physically attractive to myself. It took a number of years for me to have what I considered a real girlfriend and to be honest I still don’t know if she found me attractive.

I am not sure how much of my own self-worth and opinion were connected to my gender dysphoria, but whenever I looked in the mirror I was not impressed with what I saw, in fact I didn’t like it and I’m not just talking about the male aspects, but the overall package, physically did not appear good looking to my eyes at all.

The other issue was all the girls seemed to like the bad boys, that’s not changed too much I guess, but when I was young, they were absolutely into bad boys. I was always amazed at how girls were attracted to boys that would not treat them right. Oh I tried that approach, the whole treat them mean, keep them keen idea, and I was just terrible at it, lol. I could never bring myself to treat them mean, and that made me think of myself as a complete softy.

Despite my sunny disposition I did spend some time feeling sorry for myself in my youth, but I guess who doesn’t.

Anyway I did have a girlfriend when I was around 12 or so, it was definitely a childish thing, but that’s ok, cause I was very much a child, lol. The following year though, was when I actually asked someone to date me, well it was done through a friend, but nevertheless I was successful. But still I had no real idea how she felt about me.

I know that I was head over heels for her. I thought she was absolutely gorgeous – hell even my Dad was impressed when he saw her. But in what was to become a bit of a trend she did cheat on me and broke my heart several times. There then followed another couple of girlfriends who did the same thing and I just could not tell if they found me attractive at all, or if it was more like pity dating.

It was not for a couple of years before I met someone that I was actually sure about. What made me sure you might ask. Well we sort of fell in together. It was not planned, I didn’t ask, she didn’t ask, it was just one of those things. To be completely honest I cannot remember how it happened. But I was visiting another town maybe about a half hour away, or more by bus. I had a couple of friends over there and she happened to be one of their friends, and somehow we just ended up dating. Once again I fell head over heels, but atleast this time I felt sure she found me attractive. The only thing I couldn’t understand was why. I still couldn’t see any physically attractive qualities in myself.

Over the years there were a couple of others that I felt sure about. One at College and I was the one that screwed that up, but I was good at messing up by then, lol. The other two were ones I met at the Pub and to my shame I was the one that never treated them very good, but I knew they were attracted to me. Problem was, and something I am not proud of, is that I was not particularly attracted to them, but I continued to have one night stands with them, mostly because I felt they were a kind of safe bet. I was not very proud of many of my actions when I was 18. I spent too many weekends getting drunk and not treating those girls nicely. I do hope they have found happiness now. I do wish I knew for sure though, but I probably wont ever find out. But still I had no idea what drew them to me.

I could understand what drew other girls, atleast the ones I was friends with, because I did and still do make a pretty good friend. I am always there for friends, supporting them in whatever way I can and always willing to listen and talk. So I knew that I made a good friend and growing up I had many female friends, most of my friends were girls. But the few who became more than friends, I just could not understand what drew them to me. I often felt out of their league, not good enough and that I could not keep up with them.

Those feelings never really went away, until recently. Even when I turned 26, met my future wife and all I still have very low self-worth and still thought of myself as quite unattractive. Once again I could not quite fathom what was drawing this woman to me. What did she find attractive about me? It was really quite incomprehensible to me. Oh to be sure I could play it off like ofcourse she was into me, who wouldn’t be, I was awesome – but that was all an act. All my brashness over the years has always been an act, cause I have never ever figured out what makes attractive. And I still mean physically, cause once you get to know me and see that I am a pretty decent person, or that I have become one through all my mistakes, well to some that decency is attractive. But physically, what makes someone good looking? And why could I never see any of that in myself.

Like I said it wasn’t until recently that I got rid of those feelings, and that’s when I started to wonder if my lack of self-worth, my thought that I was unattractive was tied to my dysphoria.

It actually wasn’t until the hormones started to make some changes that I actually started to like what I was seeing in the mirror. Once I had more definition to my shape and had some fat redistribution I could find some appealing aspects to my physical appearance.

It came as some surprise to be honest. I was getting ready one morning. The usual, picking out a pair of skinny jeans, cut top and doing my make up. When I was done, I looked in the mirror to make sure I hadn’t messed up and low and behold I was almost stunned by the reflection that looked back. I took another look and for the very first time I actually liked what I was seeing. I was like dang, I didn’t know you were under there.

Anyway this was just a bit of a random thought that I was having and I was interested in taking it further. I found it interesting that my perception of my own attractiveness was tied so tightly with my self-worth, which was also tied directly to my gender dysphoria. That morning in the mirror it was almost like I was seeing myself for the first time in my life. And to an extent I was. I was seeing the real me. The one who had been buried all those years, hidden away from the world and ashamed to come out.

 And I guess one thing I have discovered. You can only be pleased with your own appearance, when you are finally comfortable with who you are as a person. When you try to hide who you are, you might not ever like what you see, perhaps all you see is the deception.