A Trans Story - Interpretations

Interpretations

 

One thing that escaped me was the differences in how people interpret something that is written. My blog has a couple of different intentions – one to hopefully help people understand what some Trans people go through, also to perhaps help someone that might be struggling with Gender dysphoria themselves – showing them there is a way through. But another intention of my blog, was just me venting. There are not supposed to be any villains.

Sometimes I get frustrated with things and venting on my blog not only helps me process issues, but just basically helps me vent the frustrating feelings.

So one thing I do wish to address is that my Mother has done and will never do anything wrong. And I in no way wanted to convey that kind of message.

I didn’t think much of what I said in my blog would have conveyed that anyone was the villain – yes I did vent about one particular incident in which someone was completely wrong, and yes I was disappointed in the reactions from others, but we are all only human and the one thing I tend to forget is that my family have known me for 40 years and all they have known is Graham – a male. They never knew what I had on the inside, since I had done such a good job of hiding my feelings.

From my perspective nothing much about me is changing at all, but that’s only my perspective. From my point of view, I was always a woman, just one wearing the costume of a male, a costume I couldn’t get out of. But what I have to remember from time to time is that others see things differently, particularly when I went to such effort to conceal it all.

Was I scared to reveal it – Yes. Would I have liked instant acceptance – Yes – but is that truly realistic – No.

There can be no instant acceptance, that is just never going to happen, particularly with family and particularly when you are doing something so unexpected. It is difficult for me to see that at times, due to just feeling such relief about not having to hide myself anymore.

I am also impatient and now that I have accepted myself, part of me just wants to jump right in and be fully transitioned and have everyone accept me immediately. My mind thinks I have waited long enough. But I need to remember it’s a journey. A journey for me, and a journey for my family and friends and if I rush headlong into this, dragging you all with me, then I must apologize for that. I need to be reminded to stop, look up and take a breath from time to time.

Problem is. I have never been good at journeys – I hate them. I always look to the destination and this instance is no different. My eyes are on the destination and my desire to get there NOW. But that’s not fair of me. I need to give my family time to catch up and come to terms with it all.

So if my venting painted some as villains, then I must apologise to them and apologise to anyone reading this blog. There are no villains in this show, just varying opinions, some that I object to. I do need to take a step back from my circumstances and accept that people need time.

I have been told that I like to be authentic – and I believe the words were shamelessly authentic, lol. And I carry that with me always. I have to agree. My desire, need to be authentic is always a part of me, and I try to force that authenticity on the world by sheer force of will. With others I can do that and I can expect instant acceptance, for they have not known me as long. One thing I do need to remember is that forcing issues is not always the best way of dealing with the problem. Upon occasion time and patience is needed, something I struggle with, but in this instance something I need to develop more of. I do need to give time to my family.

And one thing everyone should know is that my Mother has always been there for me. She has always supported me in my dreams and aspirations, and continues to be here for me even now, even during a time where things will be difficult for her. My impatience led me to trying to force the issue and bull past any objections to my transition, or my name change. Once again, time and patience is needed.

 

You would think that patience is something I would have learned over the years. After having spent 40 years in the wrong body, hiding my true self and dealing with the world. Then dealing with the time it takes to start transitioning – facial hair removal, etc and even the immigration people taking more than a month to review my name change documents – yes you would think I would be an expert at waiting, but you know what – I hate it just as much now as I always have. But patience is something I need to learn to practice – and I will try.