A Trans Story - Part 5

A Trans Story – Part 5

So we are at the point in my story where I have met my soon to be wife. This was a turning point in my life. I had finally found someone that allowed me and encouraged me to be myself. At that time I was still not admitting that I was Transgender, but maybe that I was a crossdresser. My wife encouraged me to express myself and without her I would not be who I am today. Some have stated that it was America, or my Wife that has made me this way, but I assure you, the only thing my wife has ever done is to love me unconditionally and to accept me for who I am.

Anyway I was 26 when I met Zandra. We found one another online and she came over to meet me. As mentioned in my Part 4 blog I did tell her a little about my inner feelings, enough for her to know that I was not your average boy. And her asking me to grow my hair was just a bonus for me. I had always wanted long, feminine hair and now I had found someone who wanted that too.

It was 2002 when we finally got married – immigration taking about a year or so, but we got it done. Ofcourse being Scottish meant I had the kilt and everything on, so I was kinda wearing a skirt, lol, although many Scottish people will get upset by this analogy, I do find it somewhat amusing.

The wedding was really cool. To meet someone who accepts you is a wonderful thing, to become their partner in life even more so, but still I felt something was missing. While I was dressed in what some cultures call a skirt, I really just wanted to have a gown on and be my feminine self. And although I had a wife who encouraged me and accepted me, it was made difficult by the fact that I still didn’t accept myself, nor did I know myself.

Relationships, physical and emotional were still confusing for me. I typically fell for someone quickly. Indeed the usual lesbian joke of Uhauling after 2 weeks, does kind of apply to me too. I have a theory on that. When two women connect, I think its either hit or miss very quickly, and I think that happens because they connect, or miss on an emotional level. For both women, their emotional levels are much the same, as is their way of thinking and perhaps that leads to a very fast, very strong connection. While for straight couples you have a woman who thinks and feels on one level and the man on a completely different one, so it takes longer to get that connection. So for me, with my feminine emotions I would connect quickly. However, that also clues me in on why none of my previous relationships lasted. The girls I used to date were all straight and looking for that connection on a male emotional level, something I could never give them. So we had a quick connection right at first, but they were still looking for the Male aspect and while physically I had that, on an emotional, mental level it was something I could never give them.

With Zandra it was much more of a balance, and she seemed to accept my more unruly emotions, lol, but still there was some confusion as I was still being moved toward that male gender role that I detested so much.

And then there is physical intimacy. Being intimate with a spouse is so much more than some tawdry one night stand, there are so many more emotional variables and its just more. But still it felt like something was missing. Sex as a man is and always was not completely satisfying. There is none of the feelings that I want, no rising wave, no slow build to a crescendo – just up, up, up and gone. So basically my body was feeling it one way, and my brain was telling me that I should be feeling it another way. There was a sizeable disconnect between my brain and my body, with my brain wanting more and my body being unable to provide. For such a long period of time I never knew where this problem was emanating from. I thought it was me, or that I wasn’t doing something right. Fortunately though, I derive a lot of pleasure from giving pleasure and that became my main focus, but for years my brain still wanted the impossible. Its only now, that I am transitioning, that I am beginning to realize what was missing for all those years.

Throughout the years of our marriage, I owned dresses and underwear and looked into various ways to get breasts, either buying forms, or growing them, but all of it was nothing more than a stop gap measure. It was putting aside what I needed to face. Nothing would fulfill the need I had. Not the role playing, or the women’s jeans, or underwear that I had and wore every day. Even the last couple of years before my acceptance was not enough, and by then I was wearing women’s boots and cardigans and being more daring in my attire. I thought achieving a measure of androgyny is what I needed, but once again that failed to be enough. What I wanted, truly deeply wanted and dreamed about was having real breasts and being feminine every single day. But each morning I woke up with shadow on my face and a male body and I felt despair.

I had considered Estroven, or buying hormones, or even living a double life, where I could be a girl in my free time and a male at work. But lets face it we have far more work time than free time so I would spend more than half my time as a male, when I had already done that for half my life.

I would go through life dreaming of being a girl. I dreamt of some weird things, like being able to go back in time and change my genetic structure in the womb so that my body would come out matching my brain. Or I even thought that it would be interesting to get into an accident where they needed to remove my genitals and the only way to achieve a functioning life was to create female genitals. I know it’s a weird thought, but I spent a lot of time living in my imagination and in there I thought that would guarantee support and acceptance from all, as it was something outside my control. These imaginings should really have told me what I needed to do, I suppose they did, I was just unwilling to admit it.

My hair continued to grow, many women were jealous of it, but for me it sometimes made me feel worse. I felt closer to my feminine self and yet it also served as a reminder that I was no anywhere close to being what I wanted to be. I was a guy with long hair. Oh and the times I got mistaken for a girl if someone saw me from behind. When going into the men’s restroom I was stopped – oh the irony of that now, lol. But there was always someone who had to look twice, even when I was standing doing my business, lol. And the times I got called Maam. Dang but every single time that happened it just drove the knife deeper. I felt like suck a fake. I was being addressed femininely by some and yet I was still a guy on the outside. I hated it and only wanted it to be the correct and normal form of address for me.

Why is it, I wonder, why we go through life trying to avoid decisions and fill our time with stop gap measures to help us avoid the big choices?

I knew what my deepest desire was. I knew what I needed to do, but I continually refused to admit it. I mean dang, there was even a website (a clean one) that had a woman in business clothing on the first page and every time I saw that page load I felt incredible jealousy, because I would never be like her. I would never be able to be feminine, to wear women’s clothing in public, to be what I felt to be normal. Every time I saw that woman on the page, or even any other woman that was dressed nice all I felt was insane jealousy, because I felt I would never be like that. Even if I accepted myself and chose to transition I thought I could never be like them. I thought I had left it too late to do anything and that to transition this late in life would be a mistake. I truly underestimated the effect of hormones on a body. But those were my fears back then. I was scared to admit to myself, to my family and scared that if I did accept myself that I had left it too late to be effective.

So even though I was married to an understanding woman – one who was very supportive of the LGBT and who had a Trans friend, I was still closeted about myself. Over the course of the first 14 years it would come up in conversation and I would consider coming out as Transgender, but every time it did I decided it wasn’t for me, or so I thought. I was really just burying the feeling back down cause I was too scared to move ahead with what I knew I needed to do. Living in the States I saw just how difficult it could be for Transgender people and I was not quite willing to throw myself in the middle of that, particularly given I had no idea how I would be accepted by family at home. I just didn’t feel I was up to the task of adequately defending myself or my choices. So I only waited till I was 40, until essentially half my life was over before finally accepting what had to be done, before finally knowing for sure that I had to transition and before fully understanding that the only choice to make was the one to choose to accept myself for who I was.

Now I am thankful that I didn’t wait any longer and so very thankful to have a loving, accepting and supportive wife.