A Trans Story - We are what we wear

A Trans Story – We are what we wear

 

So recently I have been thinking about clothing, makeup (what else is new, you might ask?) – lol – but this thought is going in a slightly different direction, mainly my love of being able to wear a dress, heels, makeup etc.

This thought was begun when I read the blog of a very good friend, when she was telling the story of her Hijab and how difficult it was for her to be authentic. I consider her to be a remarkably strong, brave and spiritual person and when I read her story, it me thinking about my trials in trying to be myself and wear what I felt I should.

Those trials were mostly in the past, more recently I have been thinking how strange society is and how odd that we tie so much value and identity into a piece of material. I find it confusing why we are defined by what we wear and why certain groups should only wear certain types of clothing.

Now on articles like the Hijab and other articles of faith, I can understand, as there is a great deal of spiritual faith and belief that goes behind the Hijab and recently I have been seeing just how difficult it is to wear on in public, and I have to say I am seriously impressed by the bravery and strength of those I consider true Muslims – i.e. those that follow the teachings of Islam and believe in the peace and love of that spiritual path. Every Muslim is faced with adversity these days, adversity caused by a minority of confused people and by the ignorance of right wing, conservative Christians who criticize what they do not understand.

Well now that I have finished my tangent, I will return to topic. Society and its clothing rules and what that means to some of us.

I am going to try to clarify and make sense of my thoughts, but I am not sure how successful I will be. Firstly let’s talk about society and its rules about Gender roles and what genders should wear. I think they are stupid. I think gender roles are a useless construct of a society that is incapable of understanding true gender. I think they are the result of a bunch of people scared of anything different and only comfortable when everything around them is the same, quantifiable and explainable. Utterly boring and a complete waste of our true potential if you ask me.

And yet I allowed myself to be constrained within those very rules that I think are foolish, and to an extent I still allow it. I grew up allowing society to dictate to me. I let it dictate what I wore, how I presented and even how people addressed me. I grew up being ashamed of wanting to wear a dress, and yes even makeup, since they were defined as feminine in nature, and externally I was defined male, so they just didn’t fit at all.

The true issue I have with that, is that it almost seems we are allowing our clothing to define who we are. I couldn’t wear a dress and so I was defined as male. If I did wear a dress I would have been defined as a transvestite or drag queen, or just a freak, depending upon who was talking at that moment. But its not like the dress makes a woman, or the trousers make a man – they are just bloody pieces of material stitched together and serve no purpose but to cover our modesty. So why does it affect us so much. And why does it affect me so much, given how I think and feel about Gender roles.

I really don’t know the answer to that. I only know that the first time I got to wear a dress outside the house and truly be myself was the most exhilarating experience of my life. And I can also tell you that the reason I wear dresses so often is because I felt I was denied them in the past, and so I take great joy in wearing dresses almost every single day. When I have a dress on, I feel complete. And so once again I am allowing society to define how I feel about myself, or is it because even I associate a dress with femininity. It is odd how our perceptions always color our attitudes and beliefs.

One thing I think is really sad is that we grow up being taught, by society, to be ashamed of somethings. We are shamed out of wearing certain items because they are not seen as decent. No person should be ashamed to present themselves as who they really are. Muslims should face no adversity, or fear in wearing the Hijab, and Trans, or any other person should not be ashamed to wear a dress, a skirt, trousers or anything – it should be a personal choice that is accepted by society as a whole.

But since I cannot magically change society, I must live in it, even if I reject their idea of gender roles and what people should and should not be wearing. So that being said, I still grew up feeling shame at my desire to wear dresses and other trappings that were considered the purview of women.

It’s a sad reflection upon society where we dictate what people can wear. I think we have far more serious problems to deal with than a man wanting to wear a dress. But no, if an obviously masculine man was to step outside in a dress he would draw many stares and ridicule. To wear a dress you have to look feminine, which for me was not a problem, since I knew I had to be a woman anyway. But for others who are fluid in their gender, or who just want to wear a dress, why is it such a big deal?

So I grew up keeping my desire behind closed doors, and even when I was an adult, I would only wear feminine clothing inside the house. When I first started to transition, I still felt that shame about clothing when outside. So you cannot possibly imagine the joy and liberation I felt when I wore my dress outside for the very first time. Finally I felt like I could breathe and I was no longer trapped.

Male clothing felt like a trap to me, it stifled me. Even to this day I detest ties, they are like a noose choking off my air. I hated wearing them when younger too. And we had school uniforms, where boys had to wear dress trousers, a shirt and a tie, it was horrendous. I went through primary school actively not wearing one, but when I got to High School I was forced to. Fortunately the girls had to wear ties too, misery loves company they say. But in most regards a neck tie is attributed to Men, and I hate, hate, hate ties. I see absolutely no purpose in them whatsoever and yet I can see the purpose in a pair of heels, lol.

This idea that we have clothes for males, and other clothes for females is just a silly preoccupation with trying to make everyone fit into a box that can be easily explained and understood. Well sorry to say the human race doesn’t fit too well into a box and its most certainly not easily understood.

But I am forced to wonder if we didn’t have those silly little rules would I have still felt such exhilaration when wearing my dress in public? Who knows? All I can say that for right now wearing a dress, for me, makes me feel vulnerable and empowered at the same time. It’s a wonderful mix of feelings.

People may find it amusing, or not understand my need to wear dresses and makeup before I leave home, no matter where we are going. Particularly given my disregard for Societies rules on gender conformity. But despite my feelings on conformity, I nevertheless grew up being denied what I thought I should be wearing. And despite my hating rules for gender conformity, I still seem to be trapped by them and to a degree have to live by them. For 30 and more years I was denied the right to wear dresses, makeup and other girly trappings. If I have to live by society’s gender rules, then I am going to be the best woman I can be. And being able to dress feminine now is so very liberating. Not only do I have a lot of time to make up for, but to force myself back into male clothing is one of the most difficult things I ever do. That’s one reason I hate electrolysis days, since I need to let facial hair grow, I look more masculine than feminine and I find the sight detestable. And putting on male clothing. That is just like putting a band around my neck, cutting off my oxygen. So yes when I am getting ready I need to go that extra step, to try and look my best, because the alternative, to my mind, is to look manly and that is unacceptable. I take great joy in my femininity, for its something I never truly had before. And that is why I feel so joyful when I step out wearing a dress. It’s me stepping out as ME.