A Trans Story - Identity

A Trans Story – Identity.

So recently this has been rattling around inside my head. I am wondering what is my identity? I am not sure why I just started thinking about it, but I was also remembering a comment I made on Facebook identifying myself as a Proud Trans Woman. A person asked about that and the answer I gave was that was my way of owning the label that society has given me. I also mentioned that it was for pride and to open up the floor for honest questions. Also said that the fact that I was born in a male body is part of who I am and I accept that and realise that accepting my former self is a defining part of my journey and quite possibly my way of dealing with the fact that I will never be 100% female. All are good and possibly valid reasons, but I am now wondering if that is the whole reason. I have been wondering why I choose to identify that way, and am perhaps thinking there is an element of fear within that reason too.

Recently I have been wondering if I identify as a Trans Woman, just in case I do not blend. I present female every day at work, but I am under no illusions that people are not aware of me being Trans. I automatically think that everyone is aware of it, and so my identifying as Trans is a defense to being found out. It’s possible that it’s not even a necessary defense, but quite often, I don’t think I can completely pass as female and I think people become aware of my identity early on, whether this is true or not, I don’t know, but it’s what I think, and so my defense is to be Proudly Trans right up front.

But then I have also been wondering if I am carrying my Trans label around like a wound for all to see. At times I wonder if I take out my Trans status and wave it around on purpose. Kind of to make people feel awkward, because I have spent my whole life feeling awkward and maybe think others should have a small taste of that.

Perhaps another reason is because I don’t feel completely female myself. At times, well quite often actually, I feel like I am stuck in limbo, or maybe even purgatory. I am caught in between what I was and what I want to be, and despite being happier and more confident than I have ever been, I still don’t feel completely female. Actually there are times when I feel like a fraud, and I can only link those feelings to knowing that I will never be 100% woman, and so I feel like I am working towards being a fake woman. Usually I don’t like to face these thoughts and feelings for fear it will undermine my path, but I have to acknowledge them at some point. I know completely that this is the right path for me, but I did not expect to meet doubts, and such odd feelings as being a fake on this path and I wonder where these emotions come from.

One source for this turmoil could be the fact that I am indeed stuck in limbo. I have started to transition and am moving along the path, albeit slowly, very very slowly. Being in the middle of a journey has never been my favourite place to be, less so now. I know what I want, what I need, but I also know it’s going to take a while to get there, mostly due to health insurance limitations, which is really annoying. To be stuck in this place simply because health insurance will not cover all the surgeries and such is really sucky. It is beyond frustrating to know that one of the few things holding me back is a bloody health insurance company, like they should be able to dictate what is right for me. It is actually almost soul destroying to know that an Insurance company can dictate to me regarding my health and even those few that do cover Trans services only cover the bare minimum of the surgery, which will still leave me with a massive out of pocket. It is that out of pocket that is really holding things up. There is no way right now to afford to cover the surgery and I cannot begin to describe how that makes me feel. Truthfully I don’t know if I will ever be in a place to afford it, and looking at a life struggling to come up with money for a necessary surgery is not one full of happiness. Right at this moment I am looking at going through the rest of my life in the limbo that I currently find myself in, and that is actually rather depressing. I can hope that my health insurance will improve and will then cover Trans services, but who is to say if or when that might happen. Until that even does happen, I am stuck. And being stuck is a terrible feeling. Trust me, I experienced it for 30 odd years. The hormones were the first part of my liberation, but they only get me so far. It’s like you are stuck down a deep hole and you can see the light, but cannot reach it. You start to climb and with assistance you get ¾ of the way up, but then you have no more hand holds above you. You can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, but as you look up you can see no way to reach it. Talk about devastating. Just think about being stuck ¾ of the way out of a deep hole for the rest of your life. So yes that might have an impact in defining my identity.

But I must admit there are a couple of other things too. I am not as far along on my electrolysis as I would like to be. I still have a lot of facial hair and I am now limited to just one per month, due to work commitment and my inability to go out with two days of growth on my face.

Another reason could be lack of acceptance from some family. Most have been wonderful, there are a couple that I have not heard from and so I don’t know how they feel and ofcourse there is one I know will never accept me. I tell myself and the world that her acceptance is immaterial, but I do wonder if I am actually pretending she means nothing to me. I wonder if lack of caring about her acceptance is really the pretense. Maybe, at some level, we all want acceptance from everyone, despite knowing how impossible that really is.

I try not to let lack of acceptance define my life, or who I am, but I am sure that it plays a part. We all want to be accepted, particularly by family. And in these circumstances I really don’t understand the lack of acceptance. For one thing, what I am doing in my life has very little impact on there’s. All they have to do is get used to calling me something different and to be honest about it, what I want to be called is entirely up to me and no other person should interfere or object to that in any way at all, but ofcourse they do. Some people insist on calling you by your given name, like they have some kind of right to do that. They insist on mis-gendering you, without realizing they have no more right to do that, than they do to call you by your given name. It’s not up to them, it has nothing to do with them, if they care about you, then they should bloody well do as you ask, end of story. So yes not being accepted by family can cause issues, and perhaps that also plays a part in my identity. So like I said, I have one family member who I am pretty sure will never accept me, and a few others who have not been in touch with me, and so I am not sure where I really stand with them. Lack of support from family can be one of more upsetting parts of this journey, but I am still lucky in that I have far more support than many other Trans out there.

So I have a few things affecting my identity

1 – I am in limbo due to health insurance and electrolysis

2 – I often don’t feel as feminine as I want to be

3 – I am fearful that I cannot pass on a consistent basis

4 – It is a matter of pride for me to be different

These are a few of the reasons why I claim the label Trans Woman. I know that is how I may always be viewed and I am trying to claim it, make it my own and be as proud of my identity as I can be, but there are other factors involved in it and I need to recognize them. And I don’t feel that I have quite become Gia just yet. I think it may be part of the identity issue, or some other factors. I am not sure what it will take to make me feel completely Gia, since I am not completely sure who she is just yet.

But I also wonder do I want to be claiming the label the rest of my life, or do I just want to be a woman? I guess at the end of the day only I can decide what my identity will be, but then I have to ask the question – Who am I?