So if you read my last blog you might begin to understand how difficult life is for Trans people. Childhood and growing up is particularly difficult, particularly around puberty. When your body begins to change, hormones rage and you resent all the changes, it makes it hard. Speaking for myself I was completely confused with what was going on. The changes occurring to my body, were not the changes that I dreamed of, and made the difference between my mind and body all the more apparent.
But life is not always sad, atleast not for me. I obviously cannot speak for any other Trans people, but there were many happy moments in my life. From the outside I would have seemed like a normal boy. I had friends, I had interests and I did the usual boy stuff. Yes it wasnt all sad, but in my life there was always an undercurrent of sadness. Many of the things I did, I forced myself to do just to fit in.
I played football (thats real football. Not the American version) when I was younger. I was reasonable, not bad, but not brilliant. I was interested in it, I enjoyed it, but part of me pursued the game to get approval from my Dad. However I always felt that I would never, could never completely measure up. If I had an off day my dad was extremely critical of me and that hurt. I felt that I was never good enough at football to truly impress my Dad. I went through many years just seeking approval, trying to be the son I thought he wanted, but always felt that I was falling short.
Even when I turned 13 and had my first girlfriend it did not feel like enough. She came to see me one night. I was out, I think at the Boys Brigade, so I missed her. When I got home my Dad told me she had been there. But almost the first thing he said was how did you manage to get her. She was pretty, or so I thought, and my Dads words seemed to confirm that, but he also seemed astounded that I had managed to get a girlfriend. Just felt like more evidence that I was not measuring up. But even having a girlfriend actually reinforced how different I was. Even then I was so content to snuggle with her, to always be touching her hand. And I loved, loved, loved kissing for the longest time. I could lie there kissing her all day long and it was always so wonderful. And yet, when I talked to guy friends they were always talking differently than I felt. They were all about trying to get into the girls pants, about getting to the next stage. Basically about banging them and moving on. I had so much more of an emotional attachment to girls than other boys which made me feel differently than my friends seemed to. It also made it easier for people to hurt me and take advantage of me. Several of my girlfriends at that time ended up two timing me, and I was usually so head over heels for them that I would end up forgiving them and taking them back, only to have them do that again. And at that time my guy friends were treating girls with disdain, cheating on them and just messing around, while I would fall for every single one of my girlfriends.
Other than Football, girlfriends and such my childhood was fairly normal. I was far from an outcast. I had mastered the art of fitting in. Of hanging out with friends and just appearing normal. The time I spent with my friends was good. I had fun with them and could even, at times, forget about my feelings. Several of my friends were boys, but to be honest I always felt more comfortable with girls.
My comfort with girls as friends did add an element of confusion because I was also attracted to them. I could enjoy spending time with them, just talking, but there was still that attraction and ofcourse the jealousy that I always carried around with me. I have always been and always will be attracted to women, so I knew that I was not Gay, but why did I feel more drawn to them as friends. Another thing I really loved was long hair, but I also longed to have that myself. I was jealous of my female friends who had long hair. Long hair on boys was not right, atleast so everyone said, and so in order to fit in I had short hair. But oh how I dreamed of having super long hair, of being able to wear dresses like the girls. Most everything I did as a child was designed to fit in and I resented so much of it. I resented my Dad for making me feel inadequate. I resented the world and I resented myself for always feeling different. I resented my family and friends for not realising that I was different, mostly my family. But also I cannot really blame them for not knowing, since I never spoke to anyone about it.
Not speaking to anyone was my choice and one I have to live with. It is a choice I regret to this day. But also to this day I am still surprised that my family did not realise it. I never even hinted to anyone that something was bothering me. I always appeared to be a fairly happy child. And that was not far from the truth. I was not what would be considered depressed and the thought of suicide never even entered my mind at any point in time. But I always carried with me the sadness deep within, the feeling that I was wrong and that I would never fit in with the world. But I remember how I used to love wearing my Mums winter boots, always wanted my ears pierced and even had my Mum teach me how to knit. I thought any of those might have made them wonder something, but I guess I am just too good an actor and they believed I was just a boy.
One other reason I chose not to tell is that at first I had no clue what was going on. For many years I just felt out of place and knew that I was insanely jealous of every girl I met. I was a teenager before I had even an inkling about what it might be. That was when I was exposed to cross dressing. Back in the day there were a couple of TV celebrities who were cross dressers and that did appeal to me. But when I saw how people made fun of them, couldnt understand them and treated them with derision I knew that I could never ever tell anyone about my desire.
But after trying cross dressing I knew it was not for me. It did help me, temporarily anyway, to feel better. I felt so much more comfortable in womans clothing, but oh how I wanted so much more than that. I wanted the body to fit within those clothes. I dont even know how many years passed until I came across information about Transexual people, but that thought terrified me. I was always afraid that if I went down that path that my family would not accept me. My Dad was not supportive of Gay people. My mum had some Gay friends, but everyone back then made fun of them and my Mum absolutely hates flamboyant, effeminite men and so the thought of telling her about me did not even bear thinking about. I held it all inside. Another fear was that I would appear to be a fraud, a freak in a frock and that I would look like a scary dude in a dress. Those fears are what held me back for so many years. Those fears were always with me and always made me hide who I was. I was always afraid that my body would never be the shape I longed for it to be. I had no idea what could be done back then. This fear is a terrible thing to carry with you. And if you look like a freak in a frock can you imagine the derision you would open yourself up to. All of that is what makes our lives so difficult. And when you get people like right wing conservative christians who constantly speak against anything LGBT it makes you feel even worse. Truly humans are one of the worst things in all of creation. We offer very little support to anyone in our society, less support to those we do not understant. Indeed many people go out of their way to make you feel even worse if you are the least bit different. How can you expect any Trans person to be honest when they face such adversity. How can you expect a child to grow up strong when all of your actions belittle what they feel and all your religious talk makes them scared they will be going to hell if they embrace who they are.
Its really such a shame that many humans cannot accept diversity. I truly believe they belittle their own God when they do not embrace differences. I mean lets say for the sake of argument that God did create the Universe and everything in it. That would mean she/he is a Universal being, infinite and eternal. Earth is such a tiny, miniscule part of the vast Universe, and humans even tinier. If a God did create the Universe and is as vast as their creation then they made us to be diverse. I can only imagine that any God would be so bored with everyone and everything being the same.
When Christians belittle people, they do the same to their God. The spout a bunch of religious reasons and facts from their bible, but they are forgetting that they are attempting to define a Universal being through their own limited understanding. They are limiting God and that Gods creation without even understanding that any God might actually like diversity and indeed encourage it so as to make a more interesting creation.
There are many religions in the world, many of them with the same God, but having somewhat different beliefs. Perhaps there is a reason for that. Faith, spirituality and any other belief system is not a one size fits all prospect. God is not a one size fits all prospect and if we are supposedly created in the image of God that would mean we are not a one size fits all prospect. Every particle of each person is different and until you embrace diversity you are not embracing your God. You are actually limiting your God and your Gods creation. You are arrogantly stating that you know what is this divine beings mind and you are arrogantly limiting Gods entire creation, all to suit your very limited understanding of the Universe and life. You are a insignificant thing compared to the Universe and even smaller compared to any creator. Who are you to state that God is not happy with a diverse population. What gives you the right to try and tell me that I am an affront to God, that I am living in sin, that I am an abomination. What gives you the right to even try to make that claim. You have absolutely no understand of the greater truth. Any being who created the Universe, and life would have a far greater plan and mind than you can ever comprehend. And you trying to force everyone to be the same is the sin. You are arrogantly trying to control the creation of your God and make it what you think it should be. Only when you embrace diversity, embrace everyone as they are will you completely embrace your God and only then will you begin to understand the Truth. We are all meant to be different. If God made life then he made me and he made me Trans. He made me with the intention that I transition at some point in time. I cannot believe in any God that would want me to live in misery all my life, and just because you believe in that small, mean thing, doesnt mean we all should. Its time for you to grow up and accept that you are the one being mean and divisive.
I suppose though, that this life, my holding my secret deep inside and all my experiences helped me to develop what my therapist has come to call my "Fuck You" attitude. I have developed an attitude where I will say Fuck you to the world. If you dont agree with me, with how I live my life, with how I have come to accept myself, then my answer is Fuck You, as I really dont care.
Since I accepted myself and came out this attitude is even more prevalent. I really do not care what anyone thinks of me. Your acceptance or lack thereof does not concern me in the slightest. If you have a problem with me being Trans and with me becoming the person I am supposed to be, then that is your problem. I am content with myself, I am happy with the path that I am on and you are of no concern to me.
The only reason I am writing these blogs is in the hopes that I might open some eyes, that I might expand some minds. I live in the hope that my brothers and sisters will have more acceptance and if my opening up about my life helps with that, then my life has a purpose. I also share this for those Trans people that might be in the denial stage. If they recognise some of these feelings and know there are others out there, then hopefully they will draw strength from it. If I can help some people accept themselves, and if I can help some others be more accepting of diversity then I will be happy.
All I ask is that you open your eyes, your mind and your heart. Look at us, read my story and see that we are only trying to live our lives. We only want to be happy, to succeed in life and achieve or personal goals. Nothing we do in life will affect you in any way at all, so just support us and let us live as we are meant to, and let us be our authentic selves.
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