Hi there
Well in my previous posting - Transgender in Tennessee I challenged to you to get to know, to learn my story and open your mind and hearts to my life. Now I will begin to share my story. My plan is to perhaps share a new post every two weeks or so. I hope I can keep up with that.
My story, probably like many Transgender, has two beginnings. One is when I finally gave up struggling and accepted myself for who I truly am. And the other beginning is when I began struggling with my nature.
My acceptance really came August 2015, when I turned 40. It was just after my birthday and I was reflecting on my life, as most tend to do in their 40's. At first I wasn't even thinking about the issue I had been struggling with all my life. I was not in a happy place, with my job, or with many other aspects of my life. But at that time I was looking at my job, searching for career counsillors, and then for some reason I did a random search for Transgender and up popped a list of them, and suddenly I was looking my problem square in its face.
Yes my job was not brilliant, it was stressful and I had no more room to grow, but that was not the problem. The real issue was me. I was not being authentic with myself. I was not being genuine and I never had been. Throughout the years there was an ongoing issue that continued to rise to the surface. I would struggle with it for a time but then I would always bury it. It would be buried for one simple reason. I was afraid. I was scared to admit how different I was, I was frightened for what my family and my friends would think and I was just not in a place where I could face it. But when I turned 40 I realised that pretty much half my life was over and I had never been happy, never been content. I thought then that it was time to make a change. It was time to live the way I was supposed to be, to make the second half of my life a happy one. I finally faced and accepted the fact that I was Transgender.
It was during that acceptance that I began to analyse the other beginning. The true one. The very first moment when I realised I was different and when I first thought that my body did not fit me. My first thought was that it occurred when I was 13. That was when I bought my first pair of ladies jeans and when I tried them on, they felt so very comfortable. The felt perfect. That was my mind telling me they were right for me. Probably due to Gender roles. I dont believe in Gender roles now. I think they are an invented construct by a strange race that doesnt understand itself. But at 13 Gender roles were all I knew and since the Jeans I now had were made for women, my mind was telling me they were right for me, even though my body was still wrong.
So yes I thought that was one of the first pivotal moments, but with more thought I remembered more and I knew I had realised all my childhood that something was wrong.
I grew up never quite feeling that I fit in, but a child can very quickly adapt and change their behaviour so that they fit in with the rest of their class mates, especially when other kids start making fun of them. I was never like the other boys, never had their interests, could never connect with them. I was always more comfortable with the girls, but even between years 5 and 10 teachers try to establish gender roles. So right at first I gravitated to the girls groups, but that kind of thing was discouraged and so I made myself join in with the boys even though it just felt totally weird.
Luckily enough I did like real football (you know the one where you kick a round ball with your actual foot) which did allow me to fit in a bit better. But even then I grew up feeling like I never measured up to the other boys. I said nothing to anyone. I was afraid to tell a soul for fear I would be ostracized. But I went through my younger years always feeling that I was a constant disappointment to my Dad. I was never enough of a boy for him and some of the things he said when he thought I was not playing hard enough only reinforced the belief that I was just not boy enough, and that something was wrong with me.
So for most of my life I knew something was wrong. People often ask what it feels like to be Trans. I cant really answer that. I mean what does it feel like to be Cis Gender. I dont know how anyone else feels. I can only tell you what it feels like to be me. The best description I have come across would involve clothing, but even that does not come close at all. However just take a moment. Imagine one article of clothing you absolutely hate. It doesnt fit, it is uncomfortable and you hate it beyond belief. Now imagine having to wear that thing all day every day and imagine that everyone who sees you defines you by that clothing. When they see you, all they see is what you are wearing. They dont see the real you. The treat you by how they define you. This is not even close. For me and many other Trans. We go through life with our minds being so very different than what our bodies are. It is not just Gender Roles. It is so much deeper than that. We look down at our bodies and just know they are wrong. We dont want to be defined as that gender people see. We dont want to be forced into the Role they define. We want to be regarded for ourselves and who we truly are deep inside. But we can never say anything to anyone.
When I was growing up we had no internet, certainly not in homes, so I had limited access to any kind of information and never really knew why I felt the way I did. I didnt know anyone else that might feel this way and I had no idea why I felt uncomfortable with the boys and why I was always bored with what they wanted to do and talk about. Throughout my life the majority of my best friends have always been girls.
But as I sit thinking of my past I do remember the time when I truly realised that I was born completely wrong. I was 11 and had a group of friends, mostly boys at that time, as I was trying to fit in. There was one evening, while my Mum and Dad were out and I happened across my Dads collection of Adult videos, which ofcourse my friends just had to see. They were all about 2 years older than me. But even at the tender age of 11 I had the oddest reaction to what was in those videos. I had no interest in the men in the tape, nor what was happening. No I was different than my friends. The moment I saw that first naked woman, I had a strange sensation. It was not the same reaction to my friends at all. Yes I felt drawn to the women, but not in the way my friends did. And then there was the surprising emotion - Raging Jealousy. I was envious of these women. Oh not jealous about what they were doing, but I was simply jealous of how they looked. I wanted the shape they had. I looked at them, and looked at myself and I was beyond sad. Why was my shape not the same as theirs? Why was I born in this body that refused to fit, and why oh why did I want to be their shape.
That was a defining moment in my life. I am sure many will blame it on those videos. But how do they explain the vast majority of other boys finding that kind of vidoe at that age and not being Trans. All my friends grew up to be regular boys. They grew into men, comfortable with themselves, and their lives. They grew up with male interests. I grew up differently. From that moment on I knew to the very depths of my soul that my body was just wrong.
Every single year, indeed every single day from that time was a constant struggle. Every day I hated my body. I hated its shape. I hated how people defined me by my shape.
What I longed for was to be a girl. From the age of 11 I dreamed of being female. I longed for long hair, for curves and to be growing like my female friends. Oh how jealous I was of all my girlfriends. I loved them all and yes I did grow to be attracted to girls, always have been and always will be. But I spent every day of my life being so completely jealous of them. I wanted everything they had.
So 11 was my moment when I realised that I should have been a girl. But back then I knew nothing about Transgender. For the next couple of years I tried to ignore it, but it never went away. And at 13 I got hold of a clothing catalogue and ordered my first 2 pairs of girls jeans. And like I said the moment I tried them on was wonderful. They felt so right, they felt comfortable. It felt like I should be wearing them.
So there are some that might call me a Cross dresser, and for a while I thought I was, as the girls jeans and other items helped a bit. But it never solved the problem. Yes I could wear girls jeans anywhere. And I had a dress that I wore when I was alone in the house. When I put the dress on, I felt better for a very short time. The dress felt good on me. But then when I considered it - a boys body in a dress, I felt only the deepest sadness. How I longed for the body too fill out the shape of the dress.
Eventually, over the years, I got more information. I got access to the internet and finally had a name for it. I knew then that I was Transgender. I think it was about 15. But still I said nothing, for I saw how people reacted to Trans. I saw the fear. I saw the violence and I was not ready to deal with that. So I did what I had for the last 4 years. I buried it and continued my unhappy life.But every single day I lived with the feeling. Every day I saw a girl and felt jealous and devastating sadness at the same time. My deepest desire throughout my entire life is a wish that if I could not wake up a girl then that I would have the ability to travel back in time and correct the outward signs of gender in the womb. I know its impossible, but that is what I dreamed about. That is what I yearned for, longed for and that is how I lived my life, always longing to fix what was wrong on the outside.
Can you even imagine what it is like to live like this. Every night you dream of being a girl and every morning you awake you are devastated to see you are still a boy. Every day is started in sadness. Every moment we area awake we are longing to be something we are not. Our emotions do not fit the body we were given. They do not fit the gender roles society gives us. The only thing people see is a boy, but our minds are screaming we are a girl. All day, every day our minds scream at us and we cannot ever silence it. We drown it out for a while, but it always comes back, its always there and will never entirely go away. Its small wonder so many of us fall into depression and with all the violence and hate its small wonder so many attempt suicide. We need acceptance, not hatred.
Many people out there will tell us we are confused. That we can be fixed and that we cannot know what it feels like to be a woman because we have no basis for comparison. I say rubbish to all of it. One yes we have been confused, before we know whats making us feel different. But over the years we perform alot of self analysis and I would say Trans people are the least confused of all people. We need to know ourselves inside and out. And no we cannot be fixed, not in the conventional sense. It has been seen that Trans people have the same size and shape of brain as the gender they identify with. So that would mean I grew up with a female brain inside a male body. That just does not fit. Its like jamming a circular item into a square hole. There is no way to change the brain. They only thing you can do is correct the outside and make it fit what your brain feels. And as for the basis of comparison. If you have a female size and shape of brain, its going to have female thoughts. and if that brain is the wrong shape for its body, you are going to feel it. Plus the brain, mind and body are amazing things. They know when something is wrong. Your brain, emotions and your entire internal consciousness just know. There is no explanation for it. But most importantly why the hell does it matter to some.Why do they hate us? What harm do we do? Why do they try to force us to be like them, to be their version of normal? What does our change have to do with them? My answer is nothing. If you dont like it, tough. Its none of your damn business what I do to make myself happy. But I still hope you take the time to continue reading my story. To hearing the heartache I grew up with. To see the pain in my life, the fear and the loss. You do not have to understand, you just have to see me. You just have to open your mind and your heart to the idea that there is no normal. Normal is another human construct. We are all made different, we are all diverse and I truly believe we are only at our best when we embrace that diversity.
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