So I have been looking over my previous blog entries and I remember that when I started this, I wanted to keep it about my journey and not complain all the time, but I see that I failed in that. It reads like one whine after another.
Recently I have been reflecting upon my life, my journey and my identity. I realized that all too often I have given up my power to identify myself and given it over to society, other people, family, friends etc and that needs to stop.
Previously I defied societies expectations and chose to accept myself for who I am, but when I started my transition I fell into the habit of conforming to what society expects a woman to look like, act like and be like – I also conformed to societies expectations for what a Trans Woman should act like – trying to blend in, trying to be what they wanted, what made them comfortable. I surrendered my power to be myself.
Even experiencing the dysphoria that comes from being misgendered is me giving them power of myself. It reached the stage where I even changed my email signature and added a Mrs in there so that they might be aware they were talking to a woman when they called me, all because of their expectations of what a woman should sound like. I am now coming to realize that their opinion of my voice on the phone has no bearing upon my identity, nor does their opinion of what I look like. I once again want to take up my defiance of society. There is no definition of woman. We are the ones that choose our own definition. What society dictates as womanly is meaningless.
Granted I have to operate in society, but that does not mean I have to be part of it. Yes I need to work to earn money, but my place in society is based upon my perspective. So while I have to work, I also choose to work. I choose this because I want to have money to pay for activities that I enjoy. I could choose not to partake of those experiences and could choose not to work and find other methods, so yes while I sort of have to work, I also choose to work. I choose to operate within society, but I also choose not to be a square part of it that society wants me to be.
I have changed my signature in my email and will no longer be defined by peoples opinions of my voice, nor my appearance. I choose to sound like myself, I choose to look like myself and my appearance will be dictated by what appeals to me and me only. No longer will I give another power over myself, and no longer will I deny myself
In the past few years not only did I conform to societies expectations for a woman, but also what they think a Trans woman should be. I started to think of my birth name as a dead name, but to deny my birth name is to deny a part of myself. My mother gave me that name. She looked at me, while I was still fresh and new and chose that name. She saw or felt something that made her think of that name. Oh she had no idea what my identity would become, for I barely had an identity then, but I must accept that my birth name is part of who I am. I carried my birth name with me for 4 decades, so it is actually a huge part of my life, and my story. To deny my name, is to deny the name I chose for myself. I will deny my past no longer. I will take it and merge it with my present to become the person I will be. My emotional scars will no longer be used as a weapon, instead they will show the story of my life and the triumph I have experience, because lets face it, becoming your true self is a triumph and all aspects of that journey should be celebrated. I gave society the power to keep me from becoming myself, but 4 years ago, I took that back. Now I take back all my power to define my life, my direction and my identity.
I will live
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