A Trans Story – Ups and Downs
Recently I have been contemplating a lot of things. Thinking
about the past, the present and the future, and wondering what path I am on. I
have also been a bit of an emotional basket case. Granted another allergic
reaction to medication hasn’t helped, all because my stupid insurance went and
switched brand on me, very aggravating.
But its more than the meds, its pretty much life, and
society in general. I am getting weary of fighting against the galactically
stupid right wing conservatives. Now I do believe that everyone has the right
to their own beliefs, that’s not my issue with the right. No my issue with them
is that they feel the need to try and ram their beliefs down my throat. They don’t
have to accept me or mine, they just have to accept that I have the right to be
who I am. And they just need to stop legislating against me. All these thoughts
keep bringing me back to the pointlessness of our society and my belief that we
have lost our purpose.
So I will fill you in on what has led up to these thoughts
and my emotional downturn.
Firstly as I approach my two year anniversary of coming to
accept myself, I have been thinking a lot about how I got to where I am. Yes
its been almost two years. It was around my birthday in 2015 when I seriously
started to consider just how much longer I could keep living the lie that my
life had been. My first appointment with my therapist was 8/14 – just two days
after my 40th birthday. At that time I had been questioning my job
and was faced with the same questions that plague me today. I started looking
for a career counselor, but ended up finally admitting that I was Trans – quite
a leap, lol. While I didn’t get to answer any of my questions regarding
employment, atleast I got started on this amazing path that I find myself on
right now. Yes I have many doubts about every aspect in life, but I know for
sure that I am and always was supposed to be a woman. Probably the reason
behind my contemplative thoughts is because I have a therapist appointment on
the 24th – 10 days after my 2 year anniversary. Before any appointment,
I usually become contemplative to see what I want to cover in my upcoming
session. This thoughtful journey has taken on an interesting aspect this time.
I believe it all started when contemplating my job. My
particular form of employment is something I have always struggled with. Oh don’t
get me wrong, I am perfectly willing to work and I do work hard, but the field
I am in is so beyond pointless to me. Lets face it what is Accounting but the
moving around of numbers to show that businesses are making more and more money
for their owners. There are aspects of it that can be challenging and when
starting a new position and being able to learn then its interesting. However
that interest never stays, particularly when I master what I am doing, which
happens often. This time it only lasted 6 months. Six months after I started my
new job I am wondering what else I can be doing and trying to convince myself
that it’s a good job. Oh technically it is a good job. Its not difficult and I don’t
have much in the way of stress anymore, but still it is completely and utterly
pointless to me. Added to that they have taken a new direction and are now
hiring a bunch of entry level Accountants, who are getting to learn every
aspect of the office I work in, while those of us without degrees are not
getting any opportunity. So now I am feeling like a second class citizen,
simply because I do not have a degree, even though I have 12 years of actual on
the job experience. And my experience is in Accounting, dealing with month end,
journal entries and more. I would hold up my experience against any degree, but
right now if you don’t have a degree you are getting kicked to the curb, or
that is how it feels.
So it began with the job and me contemplating what I should
be doing. My dream has always been to be a full time writer, but that’s going
to take time, luck and perseverance and in the meantime I need a way to earn
money – which is where my job comes in, but I also have a need for change,
challenge and something different, which you don’t typically get in the Accounting
field. Such was my dilemma that I even started having nostalgic feelings about
my last employer (a place that had me so stressed out that I had an emotional
meltdown) – it was a place where I was challenged, that’s for sure. Anyway the
nostalgia was so much that I actually applied for a few positions, but that didn’t
help me feel any better, the reverse actually. Now I feel guilty and like I am
cheating on my current supervisor, lol.
Thoughts about my job, the purpose of it and the direction I
should be going, always lead me to thoughts about society and how utterly
pointless it really is. Society has always been confusing to me, and I have
never really fit in. A large part of that is down to being Trans, but its also
the lack of purpose I see in our society today. I mean, what is the purpose of
it. What goals do we have as a society and how does our existence further
creation? What good do we do? In the grand scheme of things, what use is the
human race? Atleast several hundred to thousands of years ago, society had a
purpose. Now we have lost it. Now our society is completely driven by
commercialism. The driving need for people to gain more and more wealth before
they die. And really what good will that do? No matter your beliefs of what
comes after, accumulating wealth will do you no good when you die. Every aspect
of our society has been given over to commercialism and a driving need that
serves no real purpose whatsoever. And that leads me to wonder how I fit in
here, since I don’t care about commercialism and I see it as being pointless.
Most every job is designed to make companies more and more money.
I often think that I was born in the wrong millennium. Some
aspects of our modern day are beneficial to me, such as the health care and the
ability we have to aid the Transgender. I would have hated it back in the day
when there were no alternatives for that. But other than the health I see no
benefit to this society at all.
To me, the society of BC had more purpose than we do now.
They were learning, living and growing. The world full of challenge and
adversity. There was good and evil and the constant fight to strive for good
and growth. That is purpose to me. What have we now? We have commerce. We have
a group of people trying to diminish minorities by using their religion and
their limited understanding of a divine being. People say we have progressed
and are more advanced, but often I am forced to wonder. Are we really so
advanced? We are so advanced that a religious cult tries to determine the
rights of everyone and tries to force us all to be the same. Yes that is
progress.
So now I find myself trying to determine my place in the
grand scheme of things. Even were I to become a full time writer, I think I
would still question my place in this society, and I would still be trying to
figure out its purpose.
So there have been Ups and Downs on this journey so far. I
am far more confident now (in a dress and heels at any rate) – which is an
interesting side note – during this questioning phase I wore jeans and flats
for two days in a row at work, and I discovered that I don’t feel nearly as
confident in them as I once did. I think its because I wore those items
pre-transition. But the long and short of it is that I now feel at my most
confident when I am in a dress and heels. So aside from more overall
confidence, I also have more overall happiness. But the downs – I am still
questioning my place, my existence, my role and my purpose.
Adding to the confusion is my allergic reaction, which is
making me wonder if someone is trying to tell me something. Oh I know that’s most
likely not the case, and it’s a matter of finding the right medication for me,
but a part of me, a deep, dark part of me was wondering if indeed I was being
told something. Was I being told to stop and be miserable for the rest of my
life? Mostly I think no, but there is always that sliver of doubt in there,
doubt worsened by this pointless, stupid society that tries to judge everyone
by the mistranslated words in one book.
So just what am I supposed to do? I need a job, but any job
that I do gets old real fast, mostly because it is dull and monotonous with
hardly any challenge whatsoever. Add to that and its all dealing with numbers –
have I mentioned that I hated Math when I was at school, lol. So here we are.
What I dream of is being a full time writer, but I know that will not come any
time soon, unless I am lucky, and so I need to work at a pointless job, for a
pointless company in a pointless society. Does it get much more pointless than
that? How does one find their path in this life? How does one work toward their
dreams? Can you have a work path that is tolerable while you strive to achieve
your dreams?
From this you might infer that it has been a time of
emotional turmoil and to a degree it has, but it hasn’t all been bad. Oh I have
been a tad emotional lately and yes right now I am an emotional basket case,
but that will pass. I still wake up happy and content in the knowledge that I
am slowly progressing toward the person I have always dreamed to be. I still
get to look fabulous in my dresses and shoes and I am in the middle of a
wonderful adventure. Granted I have questions and doubts, but how doesn’t? What
is life without questions? I am happy, atleast happy with myself if not my job.
And I am excited to see whats going to happen next and excited to learn about
myself as I continue down this path. One thing transitioning does is teach you
about yourself. You learn how you are at your lowest and at your highest and
you learn those peaks a lot, but no matter what happens its still a fascinating
journey.
I realise that I still have so much to look forward to. Life
can be wondrous if you but embrace it. I have my continued growth ahead of me.
My future awaits and I have lots more to write and in the end, which I will
consider my beginning, I will have my surgery and then I can be who I am truly
meant to be. And then I will have so many other things to learn. I do have so
much going for me, so much to learn and do and these incidental questions might
be answered, or they might not, but atleast they give me something to ponder in
the quiet moments.
Life is magical, embrace it. Be who you are meant to be.
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