Self confidence is such an ephemeral entity.
You can find it, and all too quickly it can be dashed and taken away from you.
Growing up I never had much in the way of self confidence. I always felt that I was shy and introverted, but now I don't think that was accurate. When younger I hated talking to people, and yet I still wanted to be the center of attention, but only if someone else made me the center. I loved it when people made a big deal of me, or something that had happened to me, but I would never be the person to volunteer that information.
It always took me time to make friends. In any new situation I was always quiet and reserved, atleast until I got to know people, and then my brashness would surface. Another thing I learned was how to fake it. Under certain circumstances I learned to fake self confidence, particularly in interviews. I was quick to learn that potential employers like people with just the right balance of self confidence. They prefer people that are confident enough in their abilities to work really well, but not overly confident in that they become arrogant. Whenever interviewing I could easily fake confidence, partly because I do believe in my abilities.
While I can fake it during interviews, when getting a new job that is entirely different. Every time I have started something new, I have always been quiet, rarely speaking, until spoken to. But once I start to get confident then I open up with people, and then I can actually start getting brash, almost cocky, but I think that is actually me over compensating for my lack of confidence.
My belief or lack thereof has never been about my abilities, but mostly about my appearance. I have never, ever thought of myself as anywhere close to good looking. I suppose most people feel the same. I have rarely met anyone who is satisfied with how they look. With me, it was somewhat different. Even if I had been good looking, in good shape or anything I still would not have been satisfied with how I looked, seeing as how that external shape was always masculine. And so since I hated my outward appearance and thought I was homely at best, I could just never feel confident in most circumstances.
It was not until finally accepting myself and beginning my transition that I started to find my confidence. It took a lot of work and there were many ups and downs involved. My transitioning showed me that my confidence was directly tied to my masculine shape and as soon as I started to form more feminine qualities my confidence began to grow.
About a year in to my transition I was actually beginning to really like my shape. Oh I was not a model, and probably never will be, but I was starting to be happy with my weight too. While I would still like to lose a few pounds, maybe 10 or 15, I don't want to lose too much.
But for the first time in my life, I could look at myself in the mirror and I could actually like what I saw. I love the curves, and my new shape and was beginning to think of myself as attractive. And with that my confidence grew more. It was not all based upon my outward appearance, but the fact that my body was finally taking the shape congruent with my mind and emotions helped too.
Still it was a work in progress. There was a lot of self analysis involved, particularly during my emotional meltdown at the beginning of 2016. I had to really learn about myself, learn about my full range of emotions and accept them as part of who I was. That journey of self discovery also helped me grow in confidence and I was beginning to fully accept myself and I was owning the label that society gave to me and I was growing into a very proud Trans Woman.
But not too long ago I discovered how fragile self confidence really is. My recent altercation with my sister in law seriously deflated me. Like I said in my previous blog she really got to me, raising self doubt, or rather some old fears that I thought had been put to bed. Her attack on me really wasn't much at all. Other Trans people go through so much more than I did. People have lost all their family and friends, while for me it has been a journey with a lot of acceptance, and only one person completely against me. And that person is pretty much meaningless to me, and yet her attack shattered my confidence for a while. Lack of support from other members of my family didn't really help, but I was shocked at how much she got to me.
But recently some things occurred to help restore my confidence.
Oh I tried several other ways. I continued to wear dresses and to be the most feminine version of myself that I could be. I wrote a letter to my mother, all in an attempt to regain my power, but none of that really worked.
What did work, was other people.
And it came at just the right time. It helped me face this weekend and my upcoming electrolysis appointment. The weekends before that are never easy for me, since I need to let my facial hair grow a bit, and so going out on a Saturday before the appointment is always a challenge to me.
Firstly my wife. She was totally awesome and as always fully supportive of me. I love how she is always there for me during the hard times, as well as the good times. She took me dress shopping a week or so ago. There is nothing like buying a few dresses to make someone feel good. Its not so much about the dresses or the material aspect, it is simply because my wife believes in me and encourages me to be the best woman I can be.
Secondly while I was at work I got a very flattering compliment. During the day I usually go out twice to walk around downtown. I like getting out of the office for 10 minutes and being in the downtown area is great. Anyway a few days back, while I was out walking a random woman approached me. She actually walked past me once, looking at me. I kind of thought she was checking me out. As it turns out she might have been, cause she ended up coming back down the street toward me. She leaned in and said "You are very pretty" - I was like wow. It was so completely unexpected. And to hear it from a random stranger really had an impact. You can hear compliments like that from friends and family all day long. But a complete stranger, well that's different. Friends and family can be somewhat expected to say nice things about you.
When I received that compliment I was wearing one of my new dresses. It did indeed help to boost my ego quite a bit.
And thirdly was my cousin, a woman I have always admired. I invited her to like my facebook page and that led her to this blog. After reading my blog she felt compelled to message me. And she had some wonderful and powerful words to say to me. Basically what she said was that I did not look like a "freak in a frock" and that I looked like a beautiful woman who dresses with style and flare. Not a cross dresser, not a man dressed as a woman but a woman who knows what suits her and much younger than her years.
When I read that, I was like Wow. That was so awesome to hear. Like I said, I have always admired my cousin. We got on well together when I was younger, and I have always regarded her as a very intelligent and beautiful woman. Those words coming from her only reinforced everything else that had occurred recently.
Slowly I am beginning to regain my confidence. I am beginning to once again own myself and be my own proud Trans Woman. Oh I know that physical appearance is not everything and that beauty is always in the eye of the beholder. But in this aspect I think I needed to hear from people regarding how I looked. My sister in law had brought doubt upon me regarding my feminine appearance. She had awoken all my old doubts and fears about if I could ever be feminine enough and that kind of belief I could not replace with just my own thoughts. I have always tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter what other people think of me, but when it comes to my femininity, I do want people to see a feminine woman. My sister in law made me doubt my femininity, and so I needed external help in gaining that back. I am not completely there yet, but I am absolutely working back toward it, and once again starting to like my own shape.
So someone came along and shattered my self confidence, but then several people worked to start restoring the foundations, and as of right now I can say that - I'm back.
So look out world, I'm a wild Child.
This beautiful, proud Trans Woman refuses to be beaten down ever again.
I am a Woman, I am feminine. I will never forget that again.
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