Hi Everyone
I am a bit behind on my blog entries. The last one was me venting about my family and then I spent a bit of time getting over it and taking the step of writing my Mum a letter. No one in my family was asking the questions so I decided to provide them with answers and explain my life. I hoped to dispel the notion that my Transition was the fault of America or my wife, both of which are ridiculous. I do not call my Mum till next week so I will have to wait and see how she received the letter.
So now to continue with my story.
This entry is going back to me being 18. I had just completed High School, having opted to stay on for the 2 years to complete further education. In Scotland you can leave school at 16, but a fifth and sixth year are optional for what they call Higher education. It helps you get access to better courses at college. But I didn't do as well as I had hoped in both my fifth and sixth years. Too much going on inside my head, and too little knowing what I really wanted to do with my life. Hell back then I didn't know myself, so how could I be expected to know what I wanted to do for my career. I think its stupid that your career can be dependent upon your choices before you are even 18. I am quite well educated, and atleast a little intelligent, but I lack the discipline to do my best in School. Plus I had absolutely zero interest in Math, which was a bit of a problem since I was choosing to go to College for computer programming and they required high grades in Math. So for my Highers, as they are called, my fifth and sixth year were a bit of a bust. I was decent at English, Modern Studies and History, all of which I find interesting, but are of no use in Computing. But at that age I was taught to choose the College course that would provide a career in life, not choose what I was really interested in doing.
I was the only one of my friends that went to College, the others had went the route of apprenticeships and all, so I felt that I was standing out even more than normal and I did my absolute best to disguise my Gender Dysphoria. I kept it a close secret, telling no one at all.
All my spare time was spent trying to be normal. While at College I had a part time job some evening, delivering for the local chippy. It gave me enough money to spend at the Pub with my friends, which was every single weekend. The one problem with going to the pub is that we all liked to drink and when I had a few my Dysphoria increased substantially, and I was constantly afraid that I would let something slip.
This fear had been part of my life for a long time though and I was ashamed of myself and the fear. The shame I felt had always led me to be more daring than anyone else. Whenever my friends had trouble in mind, I could always be found right in the middle of it and I would usually take it one step further. The problem though, I was well known in my village, as were my parents and that usually led to me getting caught, which would then lead to me being grounded. I wasn't grounded for a day, or two or three. No I was grounded for weeks, sometimes months at a time. My parents had learned the best way to punish me was to ground me. By age 13 onward I hated being in the house, and was always heading outside.
Round about 16 was my most troubling time, and I was at my worst. I rode Motorbikes with my friends, vandalized signs and typically found as much trouble as I could get, sometimes involving the police, which infuriated my parents. They grounded me for all of it, tried to get me to stop hanging with my friends. They blamed them I guess, and put my behavior down to the usual boyish stuff that kids get up to, or they thought I was easily led. None of that was anywhere near accurate. What really caused my acting out was me looking for attention.
Now that I am older I can look back upon those years and I see it for what it was. I acted out in the hopes that my parents would think my behavior odd and would try to get to the bottom of it. Part of me, back then, was secretly hoping they would sit me down, talk to me and try to find out why I was getting into so much trouble and I secretly wished they would find, or figure out about my Gender Dysphoria. But none of that happened. I only ever got grounded. And when I mean grounded, I mean no going out at all, except for school and to deliver my papers. Every other minute was to be spend in the house, mostly in my room and no TV, books or anything. The only time I got to get to the library was to pick up a book for homework for school. I hated it with a passion, but I continued to act out and still no one thought to wonder why.
By the time 18 rolled around and I was going to College, I was beginning to get my head on straight, atleast with trying to find something to make a career out of. But it was not a career that I really wanted. I was choosing a college course that would lead to a Job. I now wish that I had followed my heart back then. But I was so used to ignoring my heart. And the way I was raised was with the attitude of life is a bitch, suck it up and keep on going. You will never be happy and that's life, just deal with it. A really sucky attitude if you ask me now.
So while I was sensible in going to College, at the weekend, I would hit the Pub with my friends and I would get very, very, very drunk. Even back then I never knew when to stop. I continued to drink to try and numb the pain, but in actuality it only intensified it and made me want to be a woman even more. I would get home drunk and long to be female, trying on my feminine clothing and all, and I would hate the fact that I was stuck in useless male body.
It was at that time when I lost my virginity. Over the years there had been a few girlfriends, but never anything that led to sex, just a lot of foreplay, which is something I loved a lot. But at 18 I hooked up with a couple of the girls my friends had known for a couple of years. They were older and had been there for a bit longer. These girls were usually the one shot ponies that never went with anyone more than once, until me. For some reason I formed a connection with them and they wanted more from me than they had wanted from any of my friends. I had always been able to form connections with girls and my more feminine sensitivity seemed to make me a better lover.
But I also discovered something I didn't like. Regular boy sex was so dull and boring to me. My male friends were all about the penis. It was all they thought about. They only ever thought about sticking it in a girl and I found that beyond dull. Penile penetration did not do anything for me at all. What I did discover was that I got far more out of giving oral and giving pleasure. Bringing a woman to orgasm orally really gets me off. It is empowering and a truly, truly wonderful experience. Being able to pleasure a woman like that is an amazing feeling, but when it came to intercourse it was usually wa, wa, wa. I longed to be treated as more than a penis. I just get so much more out of foreplay and exploring erogenous zones than I do out of actual intercourse. But all my male friends were only thinking about the Intercourse. And the couple of girls I hooked up with at the Pub only knew those types of boys, when they met me and we got together it was something completely new and startling to them and they loved it. That did give me a bit of an ego, I was young after all and every young boy wants to brag about their prowess and me trying to be normal was no different. The bla of intercourse only made it more apparent to me that I was not meant to be a boy. I so longed to be treated as more than a boy. I wanted someone to explore and discover my erogenous zones and to take their time with me. My ears for example are a big E zone for me. Someone paying proper attention to them can turn my legs to water. At the time I wanted more oral too. Not the regular stuff given to boys though, that does as little for me as intercourse. To be entirely blunt about it being deepthroated is just uncomfortable and at times painful. I desire more tongue and finger. I really dreamed of my penis being treated like a vagina.
Between 18 and 20 was an interesting time of exploration for me. I discovered a few things that I never would have suspected, but that only increased my sadness. I could never get what I truly wanted, needed and desired. I was always defined as a boy and treated as a boy, and yet my deepest desire was to be treated as a girl friend. How I longed for long hair, breasts and a vagina, and I longed to have a girlfriend who would treat me as her girlfriend. My attraction kinda confused me too, as I thought it was odd to be attracted to girls and yet me jealous of them and want to be one all at the same time.
How much easier life might have been if someone had found out about my Dysphoria and if I had gotten guidance and treatment. How much happier could I have been over the last 20 years or so. But that was not to be. I was to struggle through my twenties and thirties and never know my deepest desires.
When I turned 20 I took up writing as a hobby, pretty much becoming a loner at the same time. My imagination had always been very evolved. I had been reading fantasy since I was 10 and I was forever putting myself in the middle of the story, adding myself to it in my mind and living a fantasy with it. So I thought it would be cool to come up with my own story. I developed my character, who was a woman and a lesbian ofcourse. She was based, essentially, off my own personality and she became the woman I dreamed of being. My character became my surrogate, my way of dealing with my dysphoria. I could imagine being her. All I wanted was to be a beautiful, strong woman and I spent a lot of my time making up stories of Deanna and imagining living her life. It was another outlet for my dysphoria, this one as much of a trap as any other I may have had over the years. I was spending too much time along. My escape became my trap. It was no life. All my spare time was being spent dreaming about another life as a woman and pretending to be that woman. It was a waste really, as I never even completely developed my over all story, so all it got me was a lot of time spent alone. It is another regret I have, wasting all that time with nothing but my imagination and never being strong enough to actually be myself.
The only gain that I can remember during this time was actually discovering a name for what I was feeling. I had access to the internet and found out all about Transsexualism and what I saw scared the crap out of me. All I saw was hardship for those people that tried to be themselves. Laws were repressive towards the Trans community, especially when it came to ID's and passports, and I dreaded the idea of going through that. All the ridicule I witnessed towards these individuals made me more determined to hide my secret and refuse to be myself.
I never thought anyone would accept me. I was sure my friends would reject me, and make fun of me and I felt absolutely positive that my family would hate me for it and I would be nothing but an embarrassment to them. I wanted to be accepted by them and one of my biggest fears was disappointing them, particularly my Mum. I hated the idea of that and I felt positive my Mum would be disappointed if I had told her back then.
Well I guess that's it for this time around. I hope that it doesn't come across that I am always feeling sorry for myself, cause I didn't, don't and never do. Life growing up was difficult, as it is for many, I just think that for Trans there is an added element of difficulty, perhaps despair that many people today don't seem to consider when they are making fun of and being downright nasty to Trans people. And its something Governments never think about when they are trying to push through repressive laws to make it harder for us to go to the bathroom, a basic essential of life, but one that can be more than traumatic for a Trans. I am hoping this blog might educate some that don't have a clue, and that it might help another Trans person realise they are not alone out there. There are many of us here and we can make it through life. Difficult as it is, we can make it through.
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