So to continue with my story, hopefully this one might not come across as me feeling sorry for myself. I usually don't allow that to happen, but oh well no one is perfect I guess.
In my twenties I was done with College and was working a the local Chippy (for American friends - Fish and chip shop - but sells all manner of fried food, including pizza - fried and baked). I was one of the delivery drivers, having started doing that while at College. It was a good enough job, so I kept it up after College. It gave me money, meant I wasn't in an office all day and I worked in the evenings, up to midnight, so could avoid the usual commute.
At that time I never really wished to work anywhere else. I was still discovering myself. My dysphoria made it difficult for me to make friends, and getting a regular office job would mean interacting with quite a few new people. Being introverted didn't make any easier either. At the time I thought it was just my natural personality, now I am fairly sure my dysphoria and how uncomfortable I was with myself that kept me introverted.
For 6 years and more I worked at the chippy. I got to do my own thing during the day and went in to do deliveries at night. It got the stage I was working 6.5 nights of the week. I was fine with that, since I didn't want to be around people.
When I was home alone I could pretend to be the girl I always wanted to be. At that point in my life I really liked the name Gillian and she became my alter ego. Whenever I could, I imagined I was Gillian, since it was all that I wanted.
I worked at night and during the day I wrote my stories, always pretending I was my lead character. That did have the benefit of improving my writing and imagination. I could easily imagine all the scenes I was writing about, since I was right in the middle of pretty much all of them. Putting myself in the middle, tended to make the fighting scenes better. I have been told that I am very good at writing action scenes, and I put that down to me planning out every part of the fight, acting out most of it as my character. For those years I spent a lot of time in my own head, planning my stories and imagining what I wanted myself to be.
It became my escape from reality. In fact I wanted very little to do with reality at that point. All I wanted was to be alone, with my character, my stories and my imagined life. But the problem. That left me yearning to have all my imaginings in real life, which was far from possible.
I kept to myself, not spending much time with my friends, and not having any relationships either. All I had was a few hookups. I didn't want to get into anything serious, but I have to admit to being lonely at the same time.
To beat the loneliness I created an online profile and tried to meet a couple of people. It didn't exactly work very well. Back then it was difficult to break in to the chat groups and such. There were a couple of people I met online and then in real life, but neither one was what I hoped it to be.
The first one turned out to have a boyfriend. She had been having difficulties when she contacted me and then didn't want to break the news to me, so I found out the hard way, great. Oh well, I shook it off and moved on.
The second one seemed better. She was not in a relationship, and she was really out there, which was what I was looking for. She was a practicing Wicca, which I found interesting. Anyway I drove down to Derbyshire to meet her and spent the night. I thought this one was going places, but that was not to be.
She did get me interested in Wicca thought. Since Christianity has rarely been supportive of people who are different, I never felt that I belonged there and so that opened me up to exploring other beliefs. I started with Wicca. I liked parts of it, in that they accepted all. But many other aspects were just not for me. All the ritual and spell casting was not something I could get into. I consider it mumbo jumbo. I am cool with Magic, just not the spells associated with Wicca. I mean its only energy right, what does it know about spells. The energy has no bloody idea what someone is muttering under their breath.
Since that was not for me, I explored other beliefs, mostly pagan religions, Druidism to name but one, but I found none that were a good fit for me. I found something of interest in every religion I studied, be they Pagan, Islam, Judaism, but not a one of them were quite the right fit for me at all. I believe in a bigger puzzle, in which all religions are but a piece of that puzzle and only when you look at many beliefs do you begin to see the bigger puzzle.
My searching never really resulted in anything like a fixed set of beliefs and nothing helped my dysphoria. All it really did was pass the time while I tried to find out who I was. Deep down I knew I wanted to be a woman, but it was not something I could face. I still dreamed of waking up female, but ofcourse that would never happen.
At 26 I met my wife (or future wife at the time). During our getting to know one another phase she asked me to tell her something no one else knew. So I told her about my wearing womens underwear and other clothes. She actually kinda liked the sound of that. She had been wanting someone a bit more kinky.
She was married, had been for about 14 years or so, but unhappily for most of those 14 years. The person she had married was someone who was just not a good fit for her.
Shortly after we began talking it came about that she was getting a divorce and we decided that we would be getting married.
She then asked me to grow my hair and I was overjoyed to do that. I had been wanting to grow my hair for years, but never had the nerve, knowing that my family and friends would just make fun of me about it. My wife had a thing for more feminine men, perfect for me.
I knew then that I had met a woman who was good for me. Who could accept the stranger and more feminine parts of me. And deep down inside I hoped that I had met someone who could truly embrace the feminine me and would help me to explore it, perhaps bringing her out on a more permanent basis.
Next time I will move on to the point in my life when I got married, and how I grew to slowly accept the truth of myself.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Sunday, March 19, 2017
A Trans Story - Part 3
Hi Everyone
I am a bit behind on my blog entries. The last one was me venting about my family and then I spent a bit of time getting over it and taking the step of writing my Mum a letter. No one in my family was asking the questions so I decided to provide them with answers and explain my life. I hoped to dispel the notion that my Transition was the fault of America or my wife, both of which are ridiculous. I do not call my Mum till next week so I will have to wait and see how she received the letter.
So now to continue with my story.
This entry is going back to me being 18. I had just completed High School, having opted to stay on for the 2 years to complete further education. In Scotland you can leave school at 16, but a fifth and sixth year are optional for what they call Higher education. It helps you get access to better courses at college. But I didn't do as well as I had hoped in both my fifth and sixth years. Too much going on inside my head, and too little knowing what I really wanted to do with my life. Hell back then I didn't know myself, so how could I be expected to know what I wanted to do for my career. I think its stupid that your career can be dependent upon your choices before you are even 18. I am quite well educated, and atleast a little intelligent, but I lack the discipline to do my best in School. Plus I had absolutely zero interest in Math, which was a bit of a problem since I was choosing to go to College for computer programming and they required high grades in Math. So for my Highers, as they are called, my fifth and sixth year were a bit of a bust. I was decent at English, Modern Studies and History, all of which I find interesting, but are of no use in Computing. But at that age I was taught to choose the College course that would provide a career in life, not choose what I was really interested in doing.
I was the only one of my friends that went to College, the others had went the route of apprenticeships and all, so I felt that I was standing out even more than normal and I did my absolute best to disguise my Gender Dysphoria. I kept it a close secret, telling no one at all.
All my spare time was spent trying to be normal. While at College I had a part time job some evening, delivering for the local chippy. It gave me enough money to spend at the Pub with my friends, which was every single weekend. The one problem with going to the pub is that we all liked to drink and when I had a few my Dysphoria increased substantially, and I was constantly afraid that I would let something slip.
This fear had been part of my life for a long time though and I was ashamed of myself and the fear. The shame I felt had always led me to be more daring than anyone else. Whenever my friends had trouble in mind, I could always be found right in the middle of it and I would usually take it one step further. The problem though, I was well known in my village, as were my parents and that usually led to me getting caught, which would then lead to me being grounded. I wasn't grounded for a day, or two or three. No I was grounded for weeks, sometimes months at a time. My parents had learned the best way to punish me was to ground me. By age 13 onward I hated being in the house, and was always heading outside.
Round about 16 was my most troubling time, and I was at my worst. I rode Motorbikes with my friends, vandalized signs and typically found as much trouble as I could get, sometimes involving the police, which infuriated my parents. They grounded me for all of it, tried to get me to stop hanging with my friends. They blamed them I guess, and put my behavior down to the usual boyish stuff that kids get up to, or they thought I was easily led. None of that was anywhere near accurate. What really caused my acting out was me looking for attention.
Now that I am older I can look back upon those years and I see it for what it was. I acted out in the hopes that my parents would think my behavior odd and would try to get to the bottom of it. Part of me, back then, was secretly hoping they would sit me down, talk to me and try to find out why I was getting into so much trouble and I secretly wished they would find, or figure out about my Gender Dysphoria. But none of that happened. I only ever got grounded. And when I mean grounded, I mean no going out at all, except for school and to deliver my papers. Every other minute was to be spend in the house, mostly in my room and no TV, books or anything. The only time I got to get to the library was to pick up a book for homework for school. I hated it with a passion, but I continued to act out and still no one thought to wonder why.
By the time 18 rolled around and I was going to College, I was beginning to get my head on straight, atleast with trying to find something to make a career out of. But it was not a career that I really wanted. I was choosing a college course that would lead to a Job. I now wish that I had followed my heart back then. But I was so used to ignoring my heart. And the way I was raised was with the attitude of life is a bitch, suck it up and keep on going. You will never be happy and that's life, just deal with it. A really sucky attitude if you ask me now.
So while I was sensible in going to College, at the weekend, I would hit the Pub with my friends and I would get very, very, very drunk. Even back then I never knew when to stop. I continued to drink to try and numb the pain, but in actuality it only intensified it and made me want to be a woman even more. I would get home drunk and long to be female, trying on my feminine clothing and all, and I would hate the fact that I was stuck in useless male body.
It was at that time when I lost my virginity. Over the years there had been a few girlfriends, but never anything that led to sex, just a lot of foreplay, which is something I loved a lot. But at 18 I hooked up with a couple of the girls my friends had known for a couple of years. They were older and had been there for a bit longer. These girls were usually the one shot ponies that never went with anyone more than once, until me. For some reason I formed a connection with them and they wanted more from me than they had wanted from any of my friends. I had always been able to form connections with girls and my more feminine sensitivity seemed to make me a better lover.
But I also discovered something I didn't like. Regular boy sex was so dull and boring to me. My male friends were all about the penis. It was all they thought about. They only ever thought about sticking it in a girl and I found that beyond dull. Penile penetration did not do anything for me at all. What I did discover was that I got far more out of giving oral and giving pleasure. Bringing a woman to orgasm orally really gets me off. It is empowering and a truly, truly wonderful experience. Being able to pleasure a woman like that is an amazing feeling, but when it came to intercourse it was usually wa, wa, wa. I longed to be treated as more than a penis. I just get so much more out of foreplay and exploring erogenous zones than I do out of actual intercourse. But all my male friends were only thinking about the Intercourse. And the couple of girls I hooked up with at the Pub only knew those types of boys, when they met me and we got together it was something completely new and startling to them and they loved it. That did give me a bit of an ego, I was young after all and every young boy wants to brag about their prowess and me trying to be normal was no different. The bla of intercourse only made it more apparent to me that I was not meant to be a boy. I so longed to be treated as more than a boy. I wanted someone to explore and discover my erogenous zones and to take their time with me. My ears for example are a big E zone for me. Someone paying proper attention to them can turn my legs to water. At the time I wanted more oral too. Not the regular stuff given to boys though, that does as little for me as intercourse. To be entirely blunt about it being deepthroated is just uncomfortable and at times painful. I desire more tongue and finger. I really dreamed of my penis being treated like a vagina.
Between 18 and 20 was an interesting time of exploration for me. I discovered a few things that I never would have suspected, but that only increased my sadness. I could never get what I truly wanted, needed and desired. I was always defined as a boy and treated as a boy, and yet my deepest desire was to be treated as a girl friend. How I longed for long hair, breasts and a vagina, and I longed to have a girlfriend who would treat me as her girlfriend. My attraction kinda confused me too, as I thought it was odd to be attracted to girls and yet me jealous of them and want to be one all at the same time.
How much easier life might have been if someone had found out about my Dysphoria and if I had gotten guidance and treatment. How much happier could I have been over the last 20 years or so. But that was not to be. I was to struggle through my twenties and thirties and never know my deepest desires.
When I turned 20 I took up writing as a hobby, pretty much becoming a loner at the same time. My imagination had always been very evolved. I had been reading fantasy since I was 10 and I was forever putting myself in the middle of the story, adding myself to it in my mind and living a fantasy with it. So I thought it would be cool to come up with my own story. I developed my character, who was a woman and a lesbian ofcourse. She was based, essentially, off my own personality and she became the woman I dreamed of being. My character became my surrogate, my way of dealing with my dysphoria. I could imagine being her. All I wanted was to be a beautiful, strong woman and I spent a lot of my time making up stories of Deanna and imagining living her life. It was another outlet for my dysphoria, this one as much of a trap as any other I may have had over the years. I was spending too much time along. My escape became my trap. It was no life. All my spare time was being spent dreaming about another life as a woman and pretending to be that woman. It was a waste really, as I never even completely developed my over all story, so all it got me was a lot of time spent alone. It is another regret I have, wasting all that time with nothing but my imagination and never being strong enough to actually be myself.
The only gain that I can remember during this time was actually discovering a name for what I was feeling. I had access to the internet and found out all about Transsexualism and what I saw scared the crap out of me. All I saw was hardship for those people that tried to be themselves. Laws were repressive towards the Trans community, especially when it came to ID's and passports, and I dreaded the idea of going through that. All the ridicule I witnessed towards these individuals made me more determined to hide my secret and refuse to be myself.
I never thought anyone would accept me. I was sure my friends would reject me, and make fun of me and I felt absolutely positive that my family would hate me for it and I would be nothing but an embarrassment to them. I wanted to be accepted by them and one of my biggest fears was disappointing them, particularly my Mum. I hated the idea of that and I felt positive my Mum would be disappointed if I had told her back then.
Well I guess that's it for this time around. I hope that it doesn't come across that I am always feeling sorry for myself, cause I didn't, don't and never do. Life growing up was difficult, as it is for many, I just think that for Trans there is an added element of difficulty, perhaps despair that many people today don't seem to consider when they are making fun of and being downright nasty to Trans people. And its something Governments never think about when they are trying to push through repressive laws to make it harder for us to go to the bathroom, a basic essential of life, but one that can be more than traumatic for a Trans. I am hoping this blog might educate some that don't have a clue, and that it might help another Trans person realise they are not alone out there. There are many of us here and we can make it through life. Difficult as it is, we can make it through.
I am a bit behind on my blog entries. The last one was me venting about my family and then I spent a bit of time getting over it and taking the step of writing my Mum a letter. No one in my family was asking the questions so I decided to provide them with answers and explain my life. I hoped to dispel the notion that my Transition was the fault of America or my wife, both of which are ridiculous. I do not call my Mum till next week so I will have to wait and see how she received the letter.
So now to continue with my story.
This entry is going back to me being 18. I had just completed High School, having opted to stay on for the 2 years to complete further education. In Scotland you can leave school at 16, but a fifth and sixth year are optional for what they call Higher education. It helps you get access to better courses at college. But I didn't do as well as I had hoped in both my fifth and sixth years. Too much going on inside my head, and too little knowing what I really wanted to do with my life. Hell back then I didn't know myself, so how could I be expected to know what I wanted to do for my career. I think its stupid that your career can be dependent upon your choices before you are even 18. I am quite well educated, and atleast a little intelligent, but I lack the discipline to do my best in School. Plus I had absolutely zero interest in Math, which was a bit of a problem since I was choosing to go to College for computer programming and they required high grades in Math. So for my Highers, as they are called, my fifth and sixth year were a bit of a bust. I was decent at English, Modern Studies and History, all of which I find interesting, but are of no use in Computing. But at that age I was taught to choose the College course that would provide a career in life, not choose what I was really interested in doing.
I was the only one of my friends that went to College, the others had went the route of apprenticeships and all, so I felt that I was standing out even more than normal and I did my absolute best to disguise my Gender Dysphoria. I kept it a close secret, telling no one at all.
All my spare time was spent trying to be normal. While at College I had a part time job some evening, delivering for the local chippy. It gave me enough money to spend at the Pub with my friends, which was every single weekend. The one problem with going to the pub is that we all liked to drink and when I had a few my Dysphoria increased substantially, and I was constantly afraid that I would let something slip.
This fear had been part of my life for a long time though and I was ashamed of myself and the fear. The shame I felt had always led me to be more daring than anyone else. Whenever my friends had trouble in mind, I could always be found right in the middle of it and I would usually take it one step further. The problem though, I was well known in my village, as were my parents and that usually led to me getting caught, which would then lead to me being grounded. I wasn't grounded for a day, or two or three. No I was grounded for weeks, sometimes months at a time. My parents had learned the best way to punish me was to ground me. By age 13 onward I hated being in the house, and was always heading outside.
Round about 16 was my most troubling time, and I was at my worst. I rode Motorbikes with my friends, vandalized signs and typically found as much trouble as I could get, sometimes involving the police, which infuriated my parents. They grounded me for all of it, tried to get me to stop hanging with my friends. They blamed them I guess, and put my behavior down to the usual boyish stuff that kids get up to, or they thought I was easily led. None of that was anywhere near accurate. What really caused my acting out was me looking for attention.
Now that I am older I can look back upon those years and I see it for what it was. I acted out in the hopes that my parents would think my behavior odd and would try to get to the bottom of it. Part of me, back then, was secretly hoping they would sit me down, talk to me and try to find out why I was getting into so much trouble and I secretly wished they would find, or figure out about my Gender Dysphoria. But none of that happened. I only ever got grounded. And when I mean grounded, I mean no going out at all, except for school and to deliver my papers. Every other minute was to be spend in the house, mostly in my room and no TV, books or anything. The only time I got to get to the library was to pick up a book for homework for school. I hated it with a passion, but I continued to act out and still no one thought to wonder why.
By the time 18 rolled around and I was going to College, I was beginning to get my head on straight, atleast with trying to find something to make a career out of. But it was not a career that I really wanted. I was choosing a college course that would lead to a Job. I now wish that I had followed my heart back then. But I was so used to ignoring my heart. And the way I was raised was with the attitude of life is a bitch, suck it up and keep on going. You will never be happy and that's life, just deal with it. A really sucky attitude if you ask me now.
So while I was sensible in going to College, at the weekend, I would hit the Pub with my friends and I would get very, very, very drunk. Even back then I never knew when to stop. I continued to drink to try and numb the pain, but in actuality it only intensified it and made me want to be a woman even more. I would get home drunk and long to be female, trying on my feminine clothing and all, and I would hate the fact that I was stuck in useless male body.
It was at that time when I lost my virginity. Over the years there had been a few girlfriends, but never anything that led to sex, just a lot of foreplay, which is something I loved a lot. But at 18 I hooked up with a couple of the girls my friends had known for a couple of years. They were older and had been there for a bit longer. These girls were usually the one shot ponies that never went with anyone more than once, until me. For some reason I formed a connection with them and they wanted more from me than they had wanted from any of my friends. I had always been able to form connections with girls and my more feminine sensitivity seemed to make me a better lover.
But I also discovered something I didn't like. Regular boy sex was so dull and boring to me. My male friends were all about the penis. It was all they thought about. They only ever thought about sticking it in a girl and I found that beyond dull. Penile penetration did not do anything for me at all. What I did discover was that I got far more out of giving oral and giving pleasure. Bringing a woman to orgasm orally really gets me off. It is empowering and a truly, truly wonderful experience. Being able to pleasure a woman like that is an amazing feeling, but when it came to intercourse it was usually wa, wa, wa. I longed to be treated as more than a penis. I just get so much more out of foreplay and exploring erogenous zones than I do out of actual intercourse. But all my male friends were only thinking about the Intercourse. And the couple of girls I hooked up with at the Pub only knew those types of boys, when they met me and we got together it was something completely new and startling to them and they loved it. That did give me a bit of an ego, I was young after all and every young boy wants to brag about their prowess and me trying to be normal was no different. The bla of intercourse only made it more apparent to me that I was not meant to be a boy. I so longed to be treated as more than a boy. I wanted someone to explore and discover my erogenous zones and to take their time with me. My ears for example are a big E zone for me. Someone paying proper attention to them can turn my legs to water. At the time I wanted more oral too. Not the regular stuff given to boys though, that does as little for me as intercourse. To be entirely blunt about it being deepthroated is just uncomfortable and at times painful. I desire more tongue and finger. I really dreamed of my penis being treated like a vagina.
Between 18 and 20 was an interesting time of exploration for me. I discovered a few things that I never would have suspected, but that only increased my sadness. I could never get what I truly wanted, needed and desired. I was always defined as a boy and treated as a boy, and yet my deepest desire was to be treated as a girl friend. How I longed for long hair, breasts and a vagina, and I longed to have a girlfriend who would treat me as her girlfriend. My attraction kinda confused me too, as I thought it was odd to be attracted to girls and yet me jealous of them and want to be one all at the same time.
How much easier life might have been if someone had found out about my Dysphoria and if I had gotten guidance and treatment. How much happier could I have been over the last 20 years or so. But that was not to be. I was to struggle through my twenties and thirties and never know my deepest desires.
When I turned 20 I took up writing as a hobby, pretty much becoming a loner at the same time. My imagination had always been very evolved. I had been reading fantasy since I was 10 and I was forever putting myself in the middle of the story, adding myself to it in my mind and living a fantasy with it. So I thought it would be cool to come up with my own story. I developed my character, who was a woman and a lesbian ofcourse. She was based, essentially, off my own personality and she became the woman I dreamed of being. My character became my surrogate, my way of dealing with my dysphoria. I could imagine being her. All I wanted was to be a beautiful, strong woman and I spent a lot of my time making up stories of Deanna and imagining living her life. It was another outlet for my dysphoria, this one as much of a trap as any other I may have had over the years. I was spending too much time along. My escape became my trap. It was no life. All my spare time was being spent dreaming about another life as a woman and pretending to be that woman. It was a waste really, as I never even completely developed my over all story, so all it got me was a lot of time spent alone. It is another regret I have, wasting all that time with nothing but my imagination and never being strong enough to actually be myself.
The only gain that I can remember during this time was actually discovering a name for what I was feeling. I had access to the internet and found out all about Transsexualism and what I saw scared the crap out of me. All I saw was hardship for those people that tried to be themselves. Laws were repressive towards the Trans community, especially when it came to ID's and passports, and I dreaded the idea of going through that. All the ridicule I witnessed towards these individuals made me more determined to hide my secret and refuse to be myself.
I never thought anyone would accept me. I was sure my friends would reject me, and make fun of me and I felt absolutely positive that my family would hate me for it and I would be nothing but an embarrassment to them. I wanted to be accepted by them and one of my biggest fears was disappointing them, particularly my Mum. I hated the idea of that and I felt positive my Mum would be disappointed if I had told her back then.
Well I guess that's it for this time around. I hope that it doesn't come across that I am always feeling sorry for myself, cause I didn't, don't and never do. Life growing up was difficult, as it is for many, I just think that for Trans there is an added element of difficulty, perhaps despair that many people today don't seem to consider when they are making fun of and being downright nasty to Trans people. And its something Governments never think about when they are trying to push through repressive laws to make it harder for us to go to the bathroom, a basic essential of life, but one that can be more than traumatic for a Trans. I am hoping this blog might educate some that don't have a clue, and that it might help another Trans person realise they are not alone out there. There are many of us here and we can make it through life. Difficult as it is, we can make it through.
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