Trapped

 Last night, I had one of those unsettling dreams where you're caught between sleep and wakefulness, trapped in a tumultuous storm of emotions. In the dream, I found myself in a car with others, besieged by a group attempting to force their way in. Their aggression propelled us dangerously close to the edge of a bridge, overlooking a raging river below. The sense of being trapped, with no escape in sight, mirrored the lifelong battle with gender dysphoria that has shadowed me for nearly four decades.

Since embracing my true identity and coming out, I’ve shared my journey with others. Yet, articulating the complexities of gender dysphoria has proven elusive. It’s like trying to describe a storm to someone who has only ever known sunshine – nearly impossible to convey the depth of its impact. But imagine the worst situation you've ever faced, the suffocating feeling of being trapped, unable to see a way out, engulfed in anxiety every waking moment. Now picture enduring that day after day, year after year.

Transitioning was a lifeline, a path to liberation from that suffocating existence. The euphoria of finally embracing my authentic self was intoxicating. Yet, as I began to revel in my newfound freedom, a dark cloud loomed on the horizon – the resurgence of conservative backlash against trans rights.

In recent years, fueled by figures like Trump, Republicans have launched a relentless assault on trans rights. In my own red state, they've passed laws aimed at erasing our identities and stripping away our access to gender-affirming care. The threat of having my identity invalidated by legislation, like the ominous requirement to align my driver’s license gender marker with my birth certificate, hangs over me like a dark cloud.

The looming election only intensifies my anxiety. The prospect of another Trump presidency feels like a sentence to perpetual imprisonment, as his administration emboldens hatred and discrimination. I'm baffled by the unwavering support he commands, despite his history of misogyny, racism, and blatant disregard for marginalized communities.

I’ve already weathered the storm of having my healthcare denied and navigating the bureaucratic hurdles of updating my identification. The thought of reliving those battles fills me with dread. Yet, what truly bewilders me is the vehement opposition to our mere existence. How does my life, lived authentically and harmlessly, threaten theirs?

The venomous rhetoric of right-wing zealots and the complicity of those in power feel like chains tightening around me, restricting my freedom and suffocating my identity. They claim it's about morality or tradition, but it's just thinly veiled bigotry masquerading as righteousness. Their attempts to legislate my identity, to confine me within their narrow worldview, are nothing short of a waking nightmare.

But I refuse to be confined to their boxes, to be silenced by their hatred. Our lives, our transitions, our very existence, pose no threat to theirs. Protecting our rights doesn’t diminish theirs; it simply affirms our shared humanity. It’s time to break free from the shackles of ignorance and intolerance, to embrace the diversity of human experience, and to live authentically, unapologetically, and without fear.

But how can I get rid of this feeling of being shackled, trapped, imprisoned and stuffed into another persons idea of what and who I should be?

Vagiversary, or kind of in between - lol

 So it has been a year since I had surgery. My first surgical even for GCS happened 8/23/22. Many know what happened with that one. Surgery went well, as did my initial recovery in hospital – although I found that lying in a hospital bed for a full week was extremely difficult. With little to no movement allowed and most certainly no getting out of bed, well there is not much that you can do to alleviate discomfort. Boredom is another matter. I mean there was TV, movies, plus I made sure I had what I needed to do some writing. Had initially brought reading materials too, but well it was a saucy story so that turned out to be not a good thing.

 

So as I was saying, my first surgical event happened a year and 7 days ago. I think, although honestly can’t recall exactly, that I was released from hospital on the 30^th of August, and as I write this on August 30th, this could be the anniversary of my getting home with my vag. Initially all that went well, dilation was happened, etc, yada yada, but then there was wound separation. As I shared last year, we know that I had to go back into hospital for a review about a week after getting home. That review turned into a major decision. The one thing I didn’t want to occur, happened. My skin graft failed and my canal was pretty much kapoot. So the decision – revise back to full depth, or shallow. Spent the night thinking about it. There was going to be a more complicated recovery for full depth – well actually even for shallow depth my recovery would be a bit more complicated due to the initial failure. Anyway long story short, too late, lol – I opted for revising to shallow. Spent another week in hospital, got home and then into regular recovery. Recovery from Shallow depth was a lot easier than even the week and a half I spent with full.

 

So now here we are, almost a year later. I mean we are a year later with my full depth, it’ll be another 8 days before it’ll be my shallow vagiversary.

 

Like I said – it has been a year, and even today I still have moments where the surgical area can get extremely tender, particularly when I’ve been sitting at a desk all day, or doing a lot of movement.

 

Recovery took way longer than I initially expected. Oh 6 weeks after the surgery I was definitely mobil, and feeling very little pain – there was discomfort, almost constant, but it wasn’t pain exactly. My movements were slow, but I was able to get around.

 

I had gained a bit of weight during my recovery – about 10lbs – took so many months to shed that gained weight, partly because my stamina had suffered.

 

Getting back to a regular routine was more difficult than expected. Prior to surgery I was exercising almost every day. Atleast 5 of the days I was getting 10k+ steps. That went to zero for a week in hospital, then a few hundred upon being released, then back to zero again after my second surgery and very few upon my release back home on the second one as the Doctor wanted me to take it easy at first. It took so long to get up to a place where I was over 1000 steps – and even after 6 weeks, well I was still walking slowly, gingerly and not nearly as much as I was used to – and it was only ever walking.

 

I think it was like 12 weeks before I could really begin to increase my activity and at that point I had to take it real easy and build up to it. My stamina, endurance, strength and speed had all suffered tremendously during that time. And it took such a long time for me to increase my activity to where I felt I was actually exercising, and that is one reason it took me months and months to shed even the 10lbs I had gained. And still a year later, I am not quite to where I thought I would be, getting there, but just shy of it. But I am finally feeling that I am almost as strong as I was before surgery. I write this not to dissuade anyone, but provide information. Everything you research and Doctors will tell you that initial recovery is 6-12 weeks – and that is pretty accurate. By 6 weeks you are not experiencing pain – well I wasn’t and you can start exploring, plus things are really starting to feel good during that exploration. But Doctors and research don’t often cover how long it will take you to get your strength back to pre-surgery levels. It can take a long time. After 6 weeks I was back at work, I managed to stay remote for a few extra weeks, then worked slowly into going back to the office – my work was 3 days in office at that point – I started out slowly, with one, then built up to two, then managed to get it back to 1 day again for a while. It wasn’t painful, but dang would it get uncomfortable. Yes you are moving around ok and all, but you need to sit down gingerly for a good long time. And by the end of the day you are getting tired and uncomfortable. Most people could tell when I was starting to feel that discomfort as I’d sit down even more gingerly – I guess my walking was about the same at the end of the day. So with all of that, all the soft, delicate movements, having to ease into things – it can take a good long time to get all your strength back.

 

 

One thing I noticed is that even when things started to feel good and movements were easier and all – there were still times when it felt just plain weird down there. I mean, it is understandable, major configuration change, takes a bit of getting used to. But walking faster feels weird, sitting down on the toilet can feel strange, running, yeah that just feels completely strange. But I also practiced Karate, Taekwondo and a few others. So the most weird thing is a side kick. As soon as you lift your leg up, and kick out to the side. You feel those lips part and wow, it is just the strangest feeling. Even up to almost a year later it still feels odd. Kinda feels the same if you move into a kneeling position without underwear and all. It’s pretty much just a matter of adjusting to things moving that never did before, lol. But it is so very interesting, as well as strange.

 

Some things I did not expect – well didn’t really expect that strange sensation when I sat down, or did a side kick. Surprised me at first. And it takes a while for your parts to get used to that, particularly if those parts were fully covered pre-surgery. How it felt to explore surprised me. And yes I am just gonna say it playing felt so good, surprisingly good. I think what really surprised me the most was how much fluid I still produced. If I spend time getting myself going, well I still produce quite a bit of fluid, far more than I thought. And the end result – well that is just way, way more than I thought, better than I imagined, but still more. Another surprise, after I had fully recovered an could explore is that I still have a slight cavity where the canal would be. It’s about an inch deeper than the rest of the cavity, so there is still something there, more than I thought I’d have after the Doctor said it would just heal up. And then another surprise was hair growth – after so much electrolysis I did not expect as much hair to return. But I suppose it kinda makes sense as what I am seeing now is mostly outside of the area she concentrated on before surgery, and it’s just more visible, cause ya know, nothing sticking out from it anymore, lol. But during my initial recovery I avoided any kind of grooming, just to make sure I didn’t cut myself, or damage myself in any way. And yeah it got quite busy, lol. Fortunately I don’t really mind that.

 

So a year on and how do I feel?

 

Back when I had to choose between my revision to full or shallow, I was worried that I’d regret whatever choice I made. And yes there may always be an element of that no matter what you do. At the time it was a basic cost benefit analysis that did not add up. And for this year I have been extremely content, happy with the results. The way it looks beneath underwear, leggings, jeans or pants is all I could have asked for. That smooth shape, the thing I wanted more than anything in this life, I now have and it is even more amazing to see than I ever thought. When I look in the mirror my body does not disgust me anymore – well ok I still want to lose some more weight, lol – but the rest of it doesn’t disgust me. I really like to see it. And yes I have spent quite a bit of time looking at the vag in a mirror – it is awesome. I love the way it looks. I have enjoyed all the sensations and exploration this past year, and I continue to be so happy and so glad that I went for surgery.

 

Do I have regrets? Sure, anytime you do something big there is going to be regrets. I regret that the first surgery fell apart. And I do regret, a little, that I lost my canal and did not revise to full depth. There are times when I wish that I’d just went ahead and done that. But I really didn’t want to use skin from my stomach area, that would just complicate my recovery and didn’t appeal to me at all. At the time I figured it might be better to weight, they will improve these surgeries over time and I might be able to revise back to full depth in the future. So yes I have some regrets about not going to full depth. Honestly that it still in the cards and something I may consider in a the future. I miss not having a canal. I miss not being able to explore that. But all that being said I am still so far beyond happy with what I have.

 

Now my biggest regret – NOT DOING THIS DECADES AGO – Oh how I wish I’d transitioned years ago, and I really wish I’d had surgery all those years ago. Waiting so long, well it sucks on many levels. Made the recovery a bit more arduous for one thing. But also shortened the amount of time I really have with the body I know that I should have been born with.

 

So all other regrets aside – for those can be overcome, changed and I can still fix that – the biggest and longest lasting regret, the one that will never change is waiting so damn long to do this. So for all those doubters out there – although I doubt they’d read this anyway – but for all those who think being Trans is a phase – well it’s a hell of a long phase and I certainly do not regret surgery. I in know way mutilated my body – it was born mutilated and now its corrected as best as medical science can accomplish. Well almost, minus a canal – which like I said is still an option in the future.

Finally getting started on my Transitional Story

 So I am finally getting stuff together on my story. Atleast I have a hand written version and I am beginning to type it up and expand upon it. Well it will go as far as it can go before surgery. Still working on the whole insurance thing for that, but once surgery is completed, I will be able to finish work on my story. But I figured that in the meantime I had to atleast begin assembling it into a typed document. 

Mostly I wanted to feel that I was working on accomplishing something. Feel that I have been lacking in the accomplishment area of my life recently and this is my way of dealing with it - So below is the beginning of it - I will most likely share as I go, but not all of it, lol

Becoming Gia

 

A Transitional Story

 

By

 

Gia Watson

 

 

 

Introduction

 

 

What is Gender Dysphoria?

What/Who are Trans People?

 

I hope by the end of this book you will have some answers to your questions and those of you who are not Trans will have gained knowledge that we are really just regular people trying to live our best lives.

 

There are many books and sources out there, some written by Trans people, others written by those involved with the Trans community. All are worth checking into and will provide a variety of information and material that would be useful for anyone to know, either Trans, Ally or just someone who feels they have something to learn. I encourage people to read and learn as much as they can, and all the books are worthwhile, for every journey is different. We all have a different experience, different perspective and we go through many different paths to get to where we need to be in life. All are helpful. This book is about my journey, my story and my experiences. I will try not to be too boring, too whiny or too all knowing, although that last may be a bit difficult as I am a bit of a know all. Well, more than a bit of a one actually, lol. I joke, a little. I am opinionated and I am passionate in defending my opinions, all of which are well grounded and well through out. But I am also awake enough to know that my opinion is just one of many and that all are equally valid. Regardless of what you believe, I do hope that the telling of my journey is helpful.

 

Like I said, this book is about my particular journey. I plan on covering my personal history, my denial of who I truly was, how long I fought it through to my final acceptance. From then I will include coming out and learning about who I truly was and am. That is not a simple journey. It is never as simple as saying I am Trans and then just living your best Trans life. There is far more to it, so much to learn, so much to unlearn and discard. This is true of everyone in life be they Trans, Cis, Gay, Straight, Pan or anything else. Our journey’s and various paths can and should always teach us something. The minute we think we have learned everything about ourselves is the minute it should all be over. But I hope that you will be able to see that if you embrace your journey with an open mind then you will begin to see there is so much to learn about your own self and you will find the joy in that comes with discovering who you are.

 

All life is a journey, each of us have our own, but I believe that we never truly know ourselves until we have to figure out just who we are. All too often that is during a crucible in our lives. Until we come to our fork, our trials, our crucible we rarely know who we are or where we are going.

 

If it turns out that you are Trans, or gender non conforming, non binary then you have an amazing journey ahead of you, if you are at the stage where you feel you can start on this path. You will encounter support, acceptance, tolerance (although Tolerance is not a good thing in my mind) and you will encounter objections to what are know you have to do. And you will also experience outright adversarial opinions, denial, abandonment, along with family and friends who think they have the right to force their perception of your identity upon you. But I want you to know that despite all of that this is still your journey and you can live your truth.

 

From just about anyone, even those who support you, you might here that transition is the absolute last thing you should do, and only to be undertaken when you have exhausted all other options. What is important to keep in mind is that to many, transition equals surgery. That is not always the case. Any surgical part of your journey is a decision for later on and one that should be made between you, your therapist and your medical practitioner. Also I would include those family and friends who are truly supportive. However, in my opinion transition is a journey of acceptance and there is no need to avoid it. Essentially it is your acceptance of your true self, whatever that may be. I have no more right to tell you who you are than anyone can tell me who I am. This is for you and you alone to discover and that is the true journey of transition. The earlier you begin to tackle this journey, the stronger you will be - again my opinion. But believe me, for any journey of self discovery you need to be in a strong place. Transitioning really involves daily self reflection and exploration of your authentic self as well as often fighting for your right to simply exist and attain medical care. So I certainly recommend that it is begun as early as you think it should - again your journey, you decide when you are ready.

 

I will end this section with this - My single biggest regret in life is and always will be how long it took for me to even begin my journey, to take my first step on the transitional path. I constantly wish that I had found the strength to begin this much earlier in life. And I know several other Trans people with that self same regret. But such is life. I did not begin until I was 40 and now must accept that. My late acceptance and the changes I have missed out on have impacted how I see myself as well as played a part in what kind of woman I think I am, not too mention my style - but that is an ever evolving thing anyway.

 

So if you are ready, then so am I. The following chapters will lay out everything that I have experienced, as best I can remember it. I did keep journals on and off, kinda wish I had been more diligent about those, but for the most part I can recall most of my journey over the past, nearly 7 years.

 

 

 

Chapter 1 - Beginning

 

 

I guess the best place to start is the beginning and my past. When born I was assigned male at birth, but I remember from a very early age simply feeling out of step with that assignment. But lack of information and knowledge made it more than difficult, almost impossible, to figure out exactly what I was feeling.

 

To provide context I was born in 1975 - many younger people might forget that we had no internet back then. So here I was, way back in the dark ages of technology, feeling out of sync with how I was perceived by society and my family but I had no idea why or what was causing it. Years passed before I had any inclination of what it might be. But even then I was terrified of what it could possibly mean and I was 40 years old before I fully accepted the reality of who I really was.

 

Some might dispute this, mostly people that deny the authenticity of Trans people, but honestly I have memories from as young as 7, perhaps even younger. And in all those memories I felt out of sync. I have spoken with some Trans people who recall feeling that from the age of 5 and I do not dispute it, since I absolutely do remember those feelings. But I had no clue what caused them. It was all so confusing, I mean I was only 7 and had very little idea of how society operated. I just knew in every fiber of my being that when they addressed me as a boy, it was wrong. It all felt wrong.

 

My entire childhood was not full of sadness and depression. I was a kid after all. Such weighty matters of identity and how I was perceived could not monopolize all of my attention. I had fun too and yes I enjoyed playing sports, particularly real football (I use that term intentionally since I talk about the sport where you use your foot, not carrying an oblong shaped ‘ball’ around) - anyway at 7 I was in primary 3 - we used to have play time and yes I’d run around with the boys playing football. It was fun. But even then there was an undertone of something. I didn’t want to be recognized as a boy, but ofcourse had no idea where those thoughts came from. So I ignored them as best I could. But closing upon puberty my feelings only got more intense and more difficult to ignore. Despite all my attempts to fit in, I was always out of place in a group of boys. I was not nearly as rambunctious as them, had a far easier time forming friendships with girls and all that. But that was not proper for a young boy back then. Boys had to be boys. And I tried. Oh how I tried to embrace every thing that was boyish.

 

In Scotland around that age they have a few organisations for younglings, the one I attended were called the Shipmates - my older brother was in the Boys Brigade, which was the more grown up version. I am sure it has somewhat changed by now and from looking it up, I see that it is now Anchor is from 5-8 years of age, Juniors 8-11, Company 11-15 and Seniors 15-18. Joining that organisation allowed me to hide my oddity and try to be boyish I thought it was the thing to do. For much of it I was successful in fooling everyone. That is one thing you will find in common with oh so many Trans people. We are all good at fooling people and ourselves. We have practiced so long at it that its almost second nature. So I continued doing boyish things.

 

From that point on I tried not to give my feelings any voice, always ignoring them, thinking they were wrong, that I was wrong and that it was something I was obviously making up. For how could a boy really feel like a girl? How could I have been born in a boys body if I was not? These thoughts rampaged through my mind and I had no answer to them, but truly all I really yearned for back then was to be a girl, be perceived as a girl, have a girls name, clothes and be all around a girl. But that was just not to be and since it was obviously impossible I quashed the thoughts, knowing that if I ever aired that I was such a weirdo then my parents would freak. My friends would deride me, perhaps bully me and who knows what strangers would think and do. The thought of all that happening truly terrified me.

 

Years passed where I kept my thoughts to myself and often I was successful in convincing myself that it had been a phase, despite the fact that those feelings would always come back. Each time though, I would stubbornly refuse to look at them “They are just a phase, you are just being weird” was a constant litany running through my head. This was successful to some degree. But it was my 13^th year when I reached a truly significant point. That was the year that I first bought women’s jeans. I cannot speak for every Trans women, but for me, this was huge. I had denied my identity so long that I completely tied my gender into a type of clothing. I mean lets face it clothing is genderless and jeans are jeans after all. But the simple fact that they were designed for women and sold to women made them female in my mind. And it was the escape I needed.

 

That year it had gotten obvious to me that something needed to change since I had already gotten to the stage where I would traipse around the house in my Mums winter boots. Oh how I loved knee high boots, still do as a matter of fact. And back then it was my outlet, a release to the frustrating voices in my head. Somehow wearing something designed for women would help silence them. But it never lasted long. And then I found my way into the nylon drawer. But let’s not talk too much about that. It happened, not something I wish to over share. That being said, I knew that I needed something more than just a couple of women's things I could wear while alone in the house. So I finally did it. I ordered a pair of women's jeans from a catalogue and OMG it was every bit as liberating as I had hoped it would be.

 

The day they arrived, never had I felt such excitement. My hands shook as I opened the package, and ran the material through my fingers. They even felt different than the regular boy jeans I had worn. They felt softer, but also just right. Rushing to my bedroom I had to try them on immediately.

 

Pulling them on my legs felt sooooo wonderful. I don’t think I can fully explain it. But as the soft material slid up my leg, my mind just felt everything fit so much better. It felt right and whole and perfect. Truly it was almost as if the jeans themselves had an actual gender. I know it was just my mind being convinced that wearing clothing designed and sold to women was what I needed to do, but right at that moment what I was wearing truly matched my internal identity. Rubbish I know, but that is how it was. I had associated women’s clothing with that particular gender and it just felt that I should be wearing those clothes. I ached for more and those life altering pair of jeans really awoke a need in me, so it ended up causing more angst than it solved - that's life there too I guess. And still I was unsure of what all this meant. Still no internet, not much of a library or information source in my small town either. Honestly I was thinking that I might just be a weirdo that liked to wear women's clothing. So my struggles continued.

Anyway this is all I have typed up at the moment. As I said I will share more from time to time.

2022 underway - Lots happened and lots still to happen

 

2022 is well under way and as many employers are gearing up to push people back into the office, I wanted to take this time to write about 2021. Despite the pandemic and working remotely 2021 was quite a busy year.

 

At the beginning of 2021 I was moved on to a new project at work. Love it when that happens. Gives me something new to learn, to participate in and explore. When I get into testing it things really get fun as I am huge fan of pressing every button. All too often that is how I live my life. Pressing buttons are my thing, buttons on people, on beliefs, on systems. I see a button and my fingers twitch to press it. Buttons should be pressed. People need to be challenged on their beliefs and opinions. Will they like it or react well? Often No, but I still feel compelled to press the buttons. I have the same approach to testing a new system. Buttons should be pressed. Will it have a positive result? Probably no. More often than not it will break something, but then something is learned, and the system is improved. Only wish that people were as straight forward and logical. When their button gets pressed and they react badly it would be better if they fixed the problem and came back stronger, but all too often they dig deeper. But still, I will press the buttons.

My days were filled with meetings and testing and figuring out how best to make this new system work. That is what I find most interesting. Times like that really help me deal with the monotony of a regular 9-5 job, especially when that job is in AP/Accounting – I mean can there be a drier subject. As well as work I was struggling with weight, not specifically pandemic related weight gain, as I had been gaining for more than a year. I attribute much of the gain to working in Downtown Nashville – well that and the fact that I had never curtailed my appetite since starting on HRT. But I had to lose weight for surgery.

During all of this I was asked to be part of a panel for Women out at Work as part of a symposium by my works Empower Employee Resource Group. This request came around as a result of my sharing my coming out story in the inaugural edition of the Pride groups coming out story magazine. I was honored by the request, and excited, but dang was I nervous.

Much like an interview, I prepared extensively for this panel – I always do, trying to think of various ways it could play out, questions that could be asked etc. I enjoy the preparation, and it does help me with the nervous part of it, but all too often it keeps me awake at night going over and over various scenarios in my mind. I have much the same practice with my writing. Despite all my nerves I really enjoyed being a part of it. And I guess it was well received since Pride then asked me to be a part of a “What’s my Pronouns event” during Pride month.

So with all that sharing, I was feeling a smidge vulnerable. Sharing does not always come easily to me, particularly when sharing my story, as the only way to do that is to open up and be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is something that is not in my nature, I think that is the case for many Trans people. It can be dangerous to be vulnerable.

All of that vulnerability and sharing resulted in a few dysphoric episodes, only natural I suppose and sometimes I wondered why I continued to do that. But along the way I found that I got a deep satisfaction out of sharing my story, particularly if it helps. I came to the conclusion that if sharing my story and my vulnerability help people realize the importance of recognizing and respecting pronouns and identities, and/or it helps someone realize that they have the strength to be their authentic selves then its all worth it.

Still there was the dysphoria that erupted – there is no way of dealing with that, but the hard way and you just need to work your way through it, but eventually you find ways. There were difficult days, days where I had a couple of emotional meltdowns, but this is all part of the journey I am on. Perhaps I made things more difficult for myself, especially when I consider that people in general kind of frustrate me. Individuals I like, but people, yeah people make me shake my head and despair that the human race is ever going to grow up. And despite that frustration I have satisfaction in helping people – seems quite the contradiction, but ah well, that’s my life I suppose.

But then another epiphany – I discovered that I could manage the frustration when I realized that I was ok with whatever they believed. For me my journey has never been about changing the minds of anyone. I want the world to be full of individuals with different ideas, beliefs, cultures – all those differences are what make us interesting and fun. But it is all about respect. I respect their beliefs, I love the fact that someone does not believe exactly as I do, I love debating and even arguing with them, as long as it is handled respectfully. What I cannot abide are individuals enshrining their beliefs in restrictive laws. But all too often that is what is occurring these days. And that is what I stand against. I do not want anyone to change their belief. I just want them to understand and see that I have a right to be myself, to believe what I do and that they respect my right to my own identity, just as I respect theirs. Why can’t we all just accept and even embrace our differences. It would be a boring world if we all believed the same. So yeah I want the repressive anti trans laws stopped, but I want to encourage individuals to explore their own beliefs, opinions and discuss them, but with respect. It begins and ends with respect.

So now my other struggle, weight. I was exercising, particularly when we moved into our home – I have a treadmill right in front of my desk in my home office. With that I was able to do some exercise before logging on in the morning, and during my two breaks. Along with this I was loosely watching what I was eating and trying to keep my calorie intake to around 1500 calories. I mean sometimes I went over, but not by much. Even with all this I was not losing, in fact I gained. Surgery seemed further and further away.

But spoke with my doctor about it and she was really quite surprised, particularly given my level of activity. So medication was prescribed. She wanted to try something else, but ofcourse Insurance dictated which one I would get. And yes it was Phentermine – dang does that one do a number on you.

Started my course of phentermine, fully knowing the side effects. I don’t often get side effects at all, but expected some with this, given what the medication was. And so began my sleepless nights. I started this around May. Appetite all but vanished. It was an effort to get to 1500 calories in a day. From waking up and taking the pill I had an abundance of energy. Couple that with intermittent fasting and caffeine well lets just say for the first couple of weeks I was loopy and bouncing off the walls. But it worked. I started losing weight almost immediately – woohoo results. But then the biggest side effect. Lack of sleep.

Each night I would lie awake, most often till 3 or 4 in the morning. I was wide awake every night despite taking Melatonin and all too often some Benadryl. From that point on I was lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep per night. Then in the morning pop the pill and I am bouncing off the walls again. It was an interesting time to be sure. One benefit I had a lot of time to put thought into my writing, plus researching ideas and historical cultures. However, with the medication, hardly any appetite and lots of exercise I really began to lose weight. For the rest of 2021 I had a steady weight loss, until I got to 200 – I got to 199, then I bounced up over 200 again and stayed there. So, my doctor prescribed another 90 days of Phentermine – I kind of asked for it, as I was determined to break that 199 mark and stay under it.

Success, I managed it, but the lack of sleep was beginning to tell upon me, but I continued to take the medication, and exercise and practice intermittent fasting. For another month, maybe two this continued, and it was working. While the weight loss had slowed, it was still happening, so that felt good. However, there were some nights where I was a bit loopy, indeed a couple of them my wife thought I was actually drunk, and honestly there were nights I felt like I was. I’d be silly, slur my speech and all that kind of fun stuff, plus I would feel really out of it. But I wasn’t drunk, nor drinking and still I pressed on. That continued until the morning I passed out three times – fun times, lol.

Woke up one morning feeling nauseous, got up, staggered into the bathroom, dizzy and just completely out of it. I remember some of it clear as day. I remember standing in the middle of the bathroom trying to decide if I was going to throw up, or if my head was going to stop spinning and the next thing, I remember is the clang of part of me hitting our scales and then my backside hitting the floor, followed a second later by my head – kinda hurt. Safe to say that awoke my wife who got up to make sure I was ok. Apparently and this is where it gets fuzzy, I said “yeah, yeah I am ok” then crawled to the water closet, got on the toilet and promptly keeled over again onto the floor. From there I managed to get to my feet, I do not remember this point, but according to my wife I was then leaning against the door frame leading into our bedroom and I slithered down the wall, dropped and bounced my head off the vanity. By now she was freaking out, and now this is where my memory comes back, I think jolted to reality by her saying she was going to call someone to help “I think she mentioned her Mother or our son or paramedics or perhaps all” – well that was enough. I was like no way anyone is coming in here to see me in this condition. Will make sense to those that sleep without apparel, lol. I do remember shaking my head, lying sort of on my side saying “No, no. Don’t call” then I flopped around a bit, managed to get right side up and pretty much dragged my ass back to bed. Well, its safe to say that was the end of the Phentermine from that point, lol. So from then on I had to be really careful on what I ate and make sure I exercised. The upside is that I have continued to lose weight, most certainly in smaller increments, but atleast I am no longer falling around on the floor, and I am back to my normal sleeping pattern, which is actually not a lot, maybe 6 hours a night, but better than 3 for sure.

There was an additional upside during this time and that was the time spent thinking and writing in the middle of the night. The previous couple of years had seen me in a writing drought. I just lacked the motivation and the energy to do much of anything. But during my waking time a couple of things happened. I feel back on my old practice of working on my characters over all life and falling back to her being my alter ego. A fairly easy thing to do since I was still not where I wanted to be transitionally speaking. So I developed more story content. Then I discovered vintage journals on Amazon. Got one for my birthday, along with a fountain pen and so began writing in that journal. At which point I decided to go back to handwriting my overall character journey, following along with the books that I had planned, but also adding lots more back story.

Inspiration struck. I developed two more book ideas. I attributed this to the journal and the fountain pen, but one other thing had also occurred during this time. As part of my research, I was looking into Celtic Gods and Goddesses, as I want to have five Goddesses involved in my stories. While learning about them I came across Brigid, or Brighid as I prefer, and I felt an instant connection. Brighid is the old Celtic Goddess of the Hearth. She is a Sun Goddess, by some a warrior Goddess, but also patroness of Poets, smiths, bards and all things creative. So much of what I learned about her had deep meaning and connection for me. During the rise of Christianity, she was syncretized and then Saint Brigid arose with all the same holidays and attributes as the Goddess. Brighid, I found, has influenced a great many cultures even to Haiti – the connection I found was absolutely through my writing. So needless to say Brighid became foremost of the Goddesses I was going to have as recurring characters and with a special connection to my main character of Deanna.

I was writing up a storm, often while being awake for hours at night, but I’d also be handwriting in my journal before and after work. Not since beginning my writing have had this much inspiration, to the extent that I added two more books, have ideas for a subset after this current set I am on and have added thousands of years of back story and rebirths to my main character.

2021 saw a lot of development for me. I developed into a new position at work, I developed an effective routine for healthier living. I developed my characters and story arc and I developed myself and broadened my research into ancient history, myths and legends. I have also, once more, opened my mind to all things spiritual. I have always been more of a omnist and find validity in all religions and spiritual beliefs, but have never found a path that fit me, until now.

However, all good things, as they say, come to an end. And so it is with the working remotely. While remote working was highly successful, there has been a push from society to return to normal. Why? I have no idea. What was so great about the old normal that we all have to rush to get back to it? I am quite content working remotely. I do not fight my way through idiotic drivers during rush hour just to arrive late and frustrated to work. I do not have to spend the entire day in an office where the temperature is kept intolerably hot. I do not have to be surrounded by constant distractions. Why can’t we derive a new normal from everything that has happened? Maybe a hybrid approach. I am sure I could live with that. Going into the office a couple of times a week doesn’t seem like it would be too difficult, just as it should not be too difficult for employers to allow us to work remotely a few days per week. I mean they had us working from home when it was convenient for them, but now that they can open up the offices again they are trying to drag us back kicking and screaming, well atleast I am, lol. But oh well, there is only so much I can do and there will come a time when I have to bow to the inevitable and return to the overly stuffy, distracting office after having fought my way through a menagerie of stupid, idiotic, foolish drivers.

Throughout the previous and beginning of this year I have discovered one other thing. While I do tend to be a positive kind of person and can often see the potential in anything that happens, there are times when I just get really down. It is almost as if my natural positivity needs to recharge for a day. But typically, I see the potential for improvement or success, if not the silver lining. With all that has been going on, I have had a few more recharge days than usual, lol.

Some changes also flowed over into 2022. Near the end of 2021 I was also provided the opportunity to participate in a diversity training, centering around pronouns and why they are important and need to be respected. I love these opportunities and I really like the fact that I work for an employer that is so inclusive and has training opportunities like these. I have another two this very month. But another cool thing is that the Pride ERG nominated me to have a profile on my employers Career blog – which was really cool. Sharing my story with so many is a great opportunity to be able to influence others in a positive manner and ensure them that I do not want anyone to change their beliefs, just their approach. It is not important that you believe as I do, it is only important that you respect my identity as I respect yours. I am coming at life with a new approach where hold back some of my adversarial nature. I am not going to argue incessantly with closed minded people, but what I am going to do is live my best life and be the most authentic me that I can be. I will be kind, understanding and above all respectful to all and whatever they believe. Will I fall short of that? Surely, I will and that’s ok. I have fallen short of a lot of goals over the years, but each time I pick myself back up and keep on going. That is what I am going to do this year. And I will still push all the buttons.

This approach is going to be my guide in 2022, which I think will be just as busy a year as 2021 was. I am at a weight where surgery is ok and have already begun the process of getting insurance authorization for that, while I continue to lose weight and get to what I want to be. I will continue to live my best life, be me, be kind, be respectful and always pick myself up when I fall short, fall down or fall apart, which I am sure will happen more than once. And I am continuing to write and expand my books my characters and my life. And I have been sending book submissions to agents. This is something I have not done in many a year. Pretty much gave up on that years ago and settled for publishing on kindle. It is free, and its cool to have all the control, but I have concluded that I can learn only so much from continuing this approach. I think I would benefit more from having an agent, a professional editor and a publisher. If successful I would be able to reach more people, to bring about more positive influence, particularly during this climate of Anti Trans attitudes and laws. Atleast that is my hope. But this year I choose to alter my focus in life. All too often in the past I have focused on my doubts and my fears and that can only ever lead to you stumbling and falling and getting nowhere. This year, for 2022 I choose a different path.

I am my only stumbling block in life, and I need to get out of my own way. Now I choose to concentrate upon what I desire more with the full belief that if I focus upon my goals, I will manifest them.

A response to J K Rowling and her essay

In response to essay from J.K Rowling

 

Firstly, I would like to say that I fully support your right to believe as you do and to express those beliefs. I am an ardent supporter of freedom of speech. However, when you exercise that right you should expect that others will exercise it too and those others will not always agree with you.

In regards to your essay – there is a lot to say about it. I am happy that you have been educating yourself and researching what it is to be Transgender. However, you have not lived that and research pales in comparison to our daily struggles.

I will address more of your essay below, but I just wanted to state here that you mentioned knowing some Trans and I applaud you for that, however did you listen to them, hear their stories, listen to what they have to deal with on a daily basis and the adversity heaped against them. You also mentioned one person had memories, reflections of being a Gay man. I will never diminish that experience for them, however every path is different. I am and always have been attracted to women. And I have no memories of being a man. All my memories are of a woman born with a birth defect that society did not accept. My orientation has never changed, even through transition. In my belief orientation has nothing to do with transitioning. Agreed some might confuse one for the other, but they are most certainly not the same. And any confusion would be found out during the transition, when you have to meet councilors on a regular basis and meet with all the doubt and adversity thrown at you from society in general.

I also applaud your bravery in addressing the hardships in your own life and I will never try to diminish that for you. You have indeed been through many hardships and I think you are exceedingly brave to admit, face and address those in a public forum.

Now to your essay

Yes you have obviously done your research, but it does appear to be slanted towards the side that fights against transitioning. As mentioned above, research pales in comparison to our lives. In regards to your statistics of detransitioning, I believe your numbers are misleading at best. A research analysis showed that of the 3,398 trans patients who had appointments at an NHS Gender Identity Service between 2016 and 2017, less than one per cent said in those appointments that they had experienced transitioned-related regret, or had detransitioned. And have you considered how many people might detransition due to societal pressure placed upon them to remain sheep like every other member of society. And since gender identity can indeed be fluid it could simply mean they realized there were nonbinary when it comes to gender. There are as many reasons for detransitioning as there are for transitioning and to offer a generic percentage is most certainly misleading.

Mostly what I wish to address are your comments regarding restroom or use of single gender facilities. I recognize your concerns in regards to what you have experienced in your life. However, to state that you are concerned about your children using the same facilities as Trans people is quite insulting. While I am sure you did not mean it to be, it does come across like you regard all Trans as in the same bracket as pedophiles and it is that inference that I especially find objectionable. I would recommend being more careful with how you phrase your concerns, particularly when it is Trans people that face more verbal and physical abuse when being out in society. While it has become easier to change gender markers, there are still many loopholes to jump through. I am British citizen living in the US and as of yet I have been unable to change anything regarding my birth certificate. And while I am more familiar with how transitioning works in the US, I do believe there are similarities. And Trans people in the UK cannot actually change their birth certificate. The obtain a gender recognition certificate which immediately identifies them as Trans, since their original birth certificate will never match their identity and handing over a gender recognition certificate for any official reasons will allow everyone to know they are Trans and subject them to possible discrimination.

I will admit in certain locations things are easier for Trans than they used to be. However, we still face discrimination and possible violence on a daily basis. Have you looked at the statistics of how many Trans are unemployed, or in low paid jobs? Or how many have to fall into sex work just to make ends meet. We face difficulty in all aspects of life. Many experiences being disowned by family and friends, face difficulty in finding work and have difficulty with medical treatments that they need to correct their birth defect. And vocal opinions like yours simply make lives even more difficult. I wonder if you realize how many people experienced severe dysphoria brought about by your words. The way you express yourself often feels like an attack, a denial of our gender and such attacks always result in paralyzing dysphoria that can take days to recover from. We already have to fight dysphoria on an almost daily basis and the only thing that makes it better, in my opinion, is transitioning and having people accept my true gender. Every time I have to deal with a person denying my gender, I have to combat dysphoria.

I cannot speak for every Trans person, but can only share my experiences. I knew, from before the age of 10 that I was not how I appeared on the outside. Granted at that time, I was not aware of what the problem was, due to the lack of information available in the 1980’s. After a few years I found out enough to know that I was supposed to be female, but I saw how much ridicule people like that experienced and knew that I could not expose myself to all the abuse, nor did I think my family would accept me. So for 30 years and more I buried it, I fought it, I denied who I was. My experiences of womanhood in no way diminishes yours. But when you go to sleep every single night praying, begging and dreaming of waking up to a body that matches your identity, then you cannot know how difficult it is. And when you wake up each and every morning with crushing despair when you see your dreams have not come true, only then will you know what it is to be Trans. I am not talking about some perceived notion of a lack of gender, or some middle ground, I talk of and I experienced an overwhelming need to be a girl, to have a body like a girl and every morning I woke up to see that I was still trapped in this god ugly form I stared despair directly in the eyes. I had to fight crushing depression every single morning, just to force myself out of bed. But still I did not have the strength to admit it, or share my issue with anyone. I kept is secret, locked away, forced it down deep every time I woke up.

It was only when I got to 40 that I finally ran out of strength to fight and deny my gender dysphoria and at that point I knew I had to do something. My life had to change. I had to move from the depression that had dogged my entire life. And when I did finally accept it, I found there was no easy path. Researching what it is to transition and seeing the path as set out by WPATH I felt even more fear. Do you have any idea how traumatizing it is to face a real life experience, and to have to live as the identified gender before you are allowed anything? Granted the practices have eased up in recent years, but even to get on HRT you need to attend regular counseling and you have to prove you are Trans, before that councilor will write the necessary letter to a medical doctor to start hormones. And changing gender markers, takes even more steps, more counseling, and a letter from medical practitioners. So, your argument about men changing their birth certificate to sneak into women’s facilities is specious at best.

After my first therapist visit it took me a further 3 months to have the necessary documentation to begin HRT and upon first beginning I could in no way present as female. I still needed time for the hormones to take effect. But worse than that I still had to come out to my family and even at 40 years old I was still terrified of what my Mum would say, with good reason, since she was not happy at all and our relationship was never the same. Other family members also refused to accept and with some denying me my pronouns and my name. As if they had the right to define my identity. My mother passed without us ever reconciling and that alone was the reason why it took me so long to admit who I was. All through my life I was afraid of how my mother would react and it turned out my fears were justified.

Then we face the idea of coming out to friends, co-workers and having to change how we present. I was excited, jubilant but also terrified. Every time I stepped out the door, I felt fear of reprisals from those that harbor hatred towards Trans but mixed with that is the excitement of finally being my true self. But then we face more crushing despair when prominent people in society attempt to deny us, and then others attempt to enshrine their bigoted beliefs in laws, to limit our rights. Many say we are choosing this or doing it for the attention. That is truly ridiculous, as none of us would choose this life, choose to face verbal and physical abuse every day. Are you even aware of how many trans are beaten and killed every year simply for being their authentic selves? The difficulties we face from society takes so much of the joy out of our journey. You cannot imagine who exciting it can be to finally start becoming who you have always felt you should be. And as one who has lived with it for over 30 years, I know for a fact that I was always supposed to be female. I could also point to various studies showing that Trans brains are similar in size and function to those of the gender they identify as. And newer studies indicating a possible genetic reason for it. But I do not need those studies to know that it is real.

I have been transitioning for 5 years and, as of yet, have not been able to have any surgery. I do want to, but it is sometimes difficult to get health insurance to cover it in the States. I know its different in the UK, but still on the NHS it is a path that takes years, and one that’s full of pain and discomfort, particularly with hair removal in MTF trans. That is painful, uncomfortable and at times embarrassing, but it is all necessary. So there are Trans people that delay surgery for many reasons. Should they be denied facilities matching their gender identity and how they present to society. If a law was passed to state we had to go into the restroom of the gender assigned at birth, I would need to continually break the law. If I followed the law and used the men’s room I would face verbal abuse at best but would most likely be physically attacked. Indeed, even now I fear reprisals when I use a restroom. All I and many of my brothers and sisters want is to be treated with dignity while using facilities, but so many people want to remove that dignity from our lives and for no reasonable reason. If we cannot use the facilities of our gender identity, where should we go? Should they build a Trans only restroom, further labelling us as a leper in society. Segregation worked so well in the past, Not. Society has shown time and time again that when one group is marginalized by another the results are disastrous. It is time we accept and embrace the differences in everyone and that we extend the dignity of allowing them to be their true, authentic selves.

This is all just food for thought, something for you to consider while you are sharing your opinions. I am sure you meant nothing hateful by your comments, however they do come across as an attack on Trans and that you are denying us our life existence. Surely you can understand why we might feel this given how difficult our lives already are. Do you really think we need more adversity heaped in our paths? Or would it not be better to afford us some small amount of dignity.

I will be clear that I do not wish to change what anyone believes. I fully accept and support that people are free to believe as they do, and indeed they should. It would be a dull world if we all believed the same. I do not want to change minds. I just wish to be treated with dignity and words like you shared do not show any dignity to me, rather the reverse. I never want people to just accept what I believe, but I want people to stop trying to enforce their limiting beliefs in laws. Comments from well-known popular people do influence many and encourage others to force their beliefs into regressive and limiting laws.

All I ask for is people to extend the same respect to me as I give to them. Respect my rights. Realize that the only person that has the right to define my identity is ME. No one else should have that right. No one else should be able to decide my pronouns or what name I use. When others change their names, there are no objections, but as soon as a person does that as part of a transition, then people refuse to use it. As if they have a right to do that.

In all of this experience I have one regret. It is a huge one, a regret I live with daily. I do not regret transition. I regret not transitioning earlier in life. I regret being scared of who I was and delaying my transition. That is my only regret.

Only I have the right to define who I am, please understand that above all else and respect my rights as I respect yours.

Gia Watson

A Trans story - taking back my power

So I have been looking over my previous blog entries and I remember that when I started this, I wanted to keep it about my journey and not complain all the time, but I see that I failed in that. It reads like one whine after another.
Recently I have been reflecting upon my life, my journey and my identity. I realized that all too often I have given up my power to identify myself and given it over to society, other people, family, friends etc and that needs to stop.
Previously I defied societies expectations and chose to accept myself for who I am, but when I started my transition I fell into the habit of conforming to what society expects a woman to look like, act like and be like – I also conformed to societies expectations for what a Trans Woman should act like – trying to blend in, trying to be what they wanted, what made them comfortable. I surrendered my power to be myself.
Even experiencing the dysphoria that comes from being misgendered is me giving them power of myself. It reached the stage where I even changed my email signature and added a Mrs in there so that they might be aware they were talking to a woman when they called me, all because of their expectations of what a woman should sound like. I am now coming to realize that their opinion of my voice on the phone has no bearing upon my identity, nor does their opinion of what I look like. I once again want to take up my defiance of society. There is no definition of woman. We are the ones that choose our own definition. What society dictates as womanly is meaningless.
Granted I have to operate in society, but that does not mean I have to be part of it. Yes I need to work to earn money, but my place in society is based upon my perspective. So while I have to work, I also choose to work. I choose this because I want to have money to pay for activities that I enjoy. I could choose not to partake of those experiences and could choose not to work and find other methods, so yes while I sort of have to work, I also choose to work. I choose to operate within society, but I also choose not to be a square part of it that society wants me to be.
I have changed my signature in my email and will no longer be defined by peoples opinions of my voice, nor my appearance. I choose to sound like myself, I choose to look like myself and my appearance will be dictated by what appeals to me and me only. No longer will I give another power over myself, and no longer will I deny myself
In the past few years not only did I conform to societies expectations for a woman, but also what they think a Trans woman should be. I started to think of my birth name as a dead name, but to deny my birth name is to deny a part of myself. My mother gave me that name. She looked at me, while I was still fresh and new and chose that name. She saw or felt something that made her think of that name. Oh she had no idea what my identity would become, for I barely had an identity then, but I must accept that my birth name is part of who I am. I carried my birth name with me for 4 decades, so it is actually a huge part of my life, and my story. To deny my name, is to deny the name I chose for myself. I will deny my past no longer. I will take it and merge it with my present to become the person I will be. My emotional scars will no longer be used as a weapon, instead they will show the story of my life and the triumph I have experience, because lets face it, becoming your true self is a triumph and all aspects of that journey should be celebrated. I gave society the power to keep me from becoming myself, but 4 years ago, I took that back. Now I take back all my power to define my life, my direction and my identity.

I will live

A Trans Story - Journey of Self Discovery

Transition is a journey of self discovery in more ways than I, at first, imagined. For sure you have to

discover who you are, how strong you are and find your self confidence. But I have realized that it is also

a journey to discover what drives you, what makes you content and what you truly want out of life, not

just personally, but in your working life too.

For example, pre transition I was one to push myself hard to advance through a company. My first job

was a basic accounting clerk. I spent 12 years at this company, pushing myself to try different

departments, to get promoted, lateral transfers and advance myself through the corporate hierarchy. I

was always searching for the next challenge, thinking that the next position would be the one that

would provide satisfaction. Oh each position came with some challenges, and some learning, which is

always something I enjoy. Each position also had an element of creativity when it came to reporting, and

creative aspects of a job are always desired for me. But every single time I got a new position, mastered

it, I immediately set the bar higher and I was on an endless journey for that next goal. Don’t get me

wrong, there is nothing inherently wrong about this, if the jobs you are pursuing are what you want in a

career. For me they were not, and therein lay the problem. I never wanted, and still do not want a

career in Accounting. I just happen to be good at it, so climbing that corporate ladder was a waste of

time. Ultimately it landed me in a position that was just too much to handle, particularly at the

beginning of a transition. My transition was not the cause of the problem, no that lay with the employer

who had the mentality of pushing more work on less people, and I was the one who got landed with the

impossible workload. My transition only made it impossible for me to ignore the truth, as I so often had

in the past. At that point I was re-learning all my emotional states and had pretty much lost the usual

coping method I had, of burying everything and so, for a while, I fell apart. It forced me to look at what

was driving me, and to figure some things out.

But, that was not a one time lesson. I was recently forced to look at my driving factors again. Over the

past year, I have found a new company to work for and I was enjoying the position. But my old habits

took over and I tried to move into another position. I hated it. Oh I could have mastered it, I am sure.

But it was filled with duties I didn’t like and had no duties I did like, so was a bad move.

It was around this time that I was, once more, redefining who I am. I even looked into numerology, quite

an interesting subject actually. I found out my life number is 33 – when I read the description I was

surprised to see how accurate it was. For this you have to use your birth name – I did both names and

both have life number of 33 – Gia has somewhat different results for other aspects of numerology, but

the main number was the same. The life number defines your character and what motivates you.

The number 33 in numerology describes a person who can be very persuasive and that comes from a

combination of creative expression and optimism. People with this number are generally concerned

about others and are most often in positions of leadership. People with a 33 have a life that tends to

relate to home, health, harmony and creative expression. We feel a need to help and influence people in

various ways. They derive great satisfaction from this

I found all this to be true now, and when I look at my past, it was true then. The parts of my various

positions I enjoyed the most were when I was helping people to understand a system, or a job function,

or helping people navigate a software they hated. I enjoyed training team members and I did enjoy

being a supervisor.

The new position I moved to had none of the helping people. It was all processing stuff. I quickly realized

that my previous position had more aspects that worked with my personality. Normally in the past, I

would have just grit my teeth and pushed on. But for the first time in my life, I swallowed my pride and

asked to move back to my old position.

I moved back for several reasons. Upon reflection I realized that, once again, I was trying to push myself

to work that corporate ladder and gain all the stress that goes with that. I was trying different positions,

not because I wanted them, but because I wanted to show off my ability to learn and master anything.

Once again I was being driven by my ego. And I saw that one of my motivations was envy, because a

couple of team members were being told to go for other opportunities, and I felt left out. Because I am

so brilliant, I should be given all the opportunities. Yes, at times, my ego is indeed that big, or one could

say delicate. I can laugh at it now, but dealing with my ego has, and always will be, an ongoing challenge.

The new position also had more deadlines, some days every month that I could not take off and several

other restrictions. All of that I had to deal with in my previous employment. I had already done all the

stress of closing weeks etc, etc and I have found that I was completely over it. That kind of challenge no

longer appeals to me. What appeals more is positively influencing people in even a small way. That can

best be achieved in my current position where I have a day without too much stress, the ability to help

people and time to think about my other interests, such as my writing. I may not be the best writer

around, but I have a story to tell and I a desire to tell it.

Anyway this path of self-discovery has taught me what I truly value in life. Oh, I do value a good job and

decent pay check, but mostly I value being able to help people. Once again my position involves helping

people navigate a system that is new to them and that very few like. In fact it is almost universally hated

by the people in the field, but I get satisfaction in helping them make the best of it. I also have chances

to train new team members and my creativity can be expressed by editing various reports.

Over the years I have found that the corporate struggle matters less and less to me. If it was a career

that might be different, but my interests in career lie outside the corporate structure. This is basically

the ole 9-5 job and that’s that. So for that, I want something where I can go to work and do a job well

and have opportunities to help people in some fashion.

Previously I was able to ignore what truly motivated me, and fool myself into thinking that climbing a

corporate ladder would provide satisfaction. Since beginning my transition I find I can no longer ignore

these feelings. I need to be more content. I need to be happier in my daily life and I get both of those

feelings from acknowledging what drives me and atleast fulfilling part of those drivers

All of this self-discovery is a result of constantly analyzing my life, my emotional state and looking deep

within myself to see what path I should be walking. If I had not started transition I don’t think I would

have discovered what truly drives me to excel in life, or what I truly want to achieve.

All of these lessons go hand in hand with another I have recently figured out. Be content with what you

have before striving for something more. Oh you have to dream, that’s always given and one should

always pursue and strive to achieve their dreams. But if you are not content with what you have, you

will never be content with what you achieve. Working incessantly on book one of my saga has taught me

that. I continually go back and edit it, rewrite parts of it and change other parts. I have been driven to try

and perfect this book, and have not been seeing results, since people invariably stop reading it around

page 100. I have tried and tried and tried to improve upon it. But recently I figured it was time to be

content with it the way it was and to move on to book 2. I am now trying to write my story my way for

myself and if others don’t like it, too bad. I need to be content with what I have, before I can work

towards more.

Once again I have been reminded that a job does not define you. You define the job.