2022 is well under way and as many employers are gearing up
to push people back into the office, I wanted to take this time to write about
2021. Despite the pandemic and working remotely 2021 was quite a busy year.
At the beginning of 2021 I was moved on to a new project at
work. Love it when that happens. Gives me something new to learn, to
participate in and explore. When I get into testing it things really get fun as
I am huge fan of pressing every button. All too often that is how I live my
life. Pressing buttons are my thing, buttons on people, on beliefs, on systems.
I see a button and my fingers twitch to press it. Buttons should be pressed.
People need to be challenged on their beliefs and opinions. Will they like it
or react well? Often No, but I still feel compelled to press the buttons. I
have the same approach to testing a new system. Buttons should be pressed. Will
it have a positive result? Probably no. More often than not it will break
something, but then something is learned, and the system is improved. Only wish
that people were as straight forward and logical. When their button gets
pressed and they react badly it would be better if they fixed the problem and
came back stronger, but all too often they dig deeper. But still, I will press
the buttons.
My days were filled with meetings and testing and figuring
out how best to make this new system work. That is what I find most
interesting. Times like that really help me deal with the monotony of a regular
9-5 job, especially when that job is in AP/Accounting – I mean can there be a drier
subject. As well as work I was struggling with weight, not specifically
pandemic related weight gain, as I had been gaining for more than a year. I
attribute much of the gain to working in Downtown Nashville – well that and the
fact that I had never curtailed my appetite since starting on HRT. But I had to
lose weight for surgery.
During all of this I was asked to be part of a panel for
Women out at Work as part of a symposium by my works Empower Employee Resource
Group. This request came around as a result of my sharing my coming out story
in the inaugural edition of the Pride groups coming out story magazine. I was
honored by the request, and excited, but dang was I nervous.
Much like an interview, I prepared extensively for this
panel – I always do, trying to think of various ways it could play out,
questions that could be asked etc. I enjoy the preparation, and it does help me
with the nervous part of it, but all too often it keeps me awake at night going
over and over various scenarios in my mind. I have much the same practice with
my writing. Despite all my nerves I really enjoyed being a part of it. And I
guess it was well received since Pride then asked me to be a part of a “What’s
my Pronouns event” during Pride month.
So with all that sharing, I was feeling a smidge vulnerable.
Sharing does not always come easily to me, particularly when sharing my story,
as the only way to do that is to open up and be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is
something that is not in my nature, I think that is the case for many Trans
people. It can be dangerous to be vulnerable.
All of that vulnerability and sharing resulted in a few dysphoric
episodes, only natural I suppose and sometimes I wondered why I continued to do
that. But along the way I found that I got a deep satisfaction out of sharing
my story, particularly if it helps. I came to the conclusion that if sharing my
story and my vulnerability help people realize the importance of recognizing
and respecting pronouns and identities, and/or it helps someone realize that
they have the strength to be their authentic selves then its all worth it.
Still there was the dysphoria that erupted – there is no way
of dealing with that, but the hard way and you just need to work your way
through it, but eventually you find ways. There were difficult days, days where
I had a couple of emotional meltdowns, but this is all part of the journey I am
on. Perhaps I made things more difficult for myself, especially when I consider
that people in general kind of frustrate me. Individuals I like, but people,
yeah people make me shake my head and despair that the human race is ever going
to grow up. And despite that frustration I have satisfaction in helping people –
seems quite the contradiction, but ah well, that’s my life I suppose.
But then another epiphany – I discovered that I could manage
the frustration when I realized that I was ok with whatever they believed. For
me my journey has never been about changing the minds of anyone. I want the
world to be full of individuals with different ideas, beliefs, cultures – all those
differences are what make us interesting and fun. But it is all about respect.
I respect their beliefs, I love the fact that someone does not believe exactly
as I do, I love debating and even arguing with them, as long as it is handled
respectfully. What I cannot abide are individuals enshrining their beliefs in
restrictive laws. But all too often that is what is occurring these days. And
that is what I stand against. I do not want anyone to change their belief. I just
want them to understand and see that I have a right to be myself, to believe
what I do and that they respect my right to my own identity, just as I respect
theirs. Why can’t we all just accept and even embrace our differences. It would
be a boring world if we all believed the same. So yeah I want the repressive anti
trans laws stopped, but I want to encourage individuals to explore their own beliefs,
opinions and discuss them, but with respect. It begins and ends with respect.
So now my other struggle, weight. I was exercising, particularly
when we moved into our home – I have a treadmill right in front of my desk in
my home office. With that I was able to do some exercise before logging on in
the morning, and during my two breaks. Along with this I was loosely watching
what I was eating and trying to keep my calorie intake to around 1500 calories.
I mean sometimes I went over, but not by much. Even with all this I was not
losing, in fact I gained. Surgery seemed further and further away.
But spoke with my doctor about it and she was really quite
surprised, particularly given my level of activity. So medication was
prescribed. She wanted to try something else, but ofcourse Insurance dictated
which one I would get. And yes it was Phentermine – dang does that one do a
number on you.
Started my course of phentermine, fully knowing the side
effects. I don’t often get side effects at all, but expected some with this,
given what the medication was. And so began my sleepless nights. I started this
around May. Appetite all but vanished. It was an effort to get to 1500 calories
in a day. From waking up and taking the pill I had an abundance of energy.
Couple that with intermittent fasting and caffeine well lets just say for the
first couple of weeks I was loopy and bouncing off the walls. But it worked. I
started losing weight almost immediately – woohoo results. But then the biggest
side effect. Lack of sleep.
Each night I would lie awake, most often till 3 or 4 in the
morning. I was wide awake every night despite taking Melatonin and all too often
some Benadryl. From that point on I was lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep per
night. Then in the morning pop the pill and I am bouncing off the walls again.
It was an interesting time to be sure. One benefit I had a lot of time to put
thought into my writing, plus researching ideas and historical cultures. However,
with the medication, hardly any appetite and lots of exercise I really began to
lose weight. For the rest of 2021 I had a steady weight loss, until I got to 200
– I got to 199, then I bounced up over 200 again and stayed there. So, my
doctor prescribed another 90 days of Phentermine – I kind of asked for it, as I
was determined to break that 199 mark and stay under it.
Success, I managed it, but the lack of sleep was beginning
to tell upon me, but I continued to take the medication, and exercise and
practice intermittent fasting. For another month, maybe two this continued, and
it was working. While the weight loss had slowed, it was still happening, so
that felt good. However, there were some nights where I was a bit loopy, indeed
a couple of them my wife thought I was actually drunk, and honestly there were
nights I felt like I was. I’d be silly, slur my speech and all that kind of fun
stuff, plus I would feel really out of it. But I wasn’t drunk, nor drinking and
still I pressed on. That continued until the morning I passed out three times –
fun times, lol.
Woke up one morning feeling nauseous, got up, staggered into
the bathroom, dizzy and just completely out of it. I remember some of it clear
as day. I remember standing in the middle of the bathroom trying to decide if I
was going to throw up, or if my head was going to stop spinning and the next thing,
I remember is the clang of part of me hitting our scales and then my backside hitting
the floor, followed a second later by my head – kinda hurt. Safe to say that awoke
my wife who got up to make sure I was ok. Apparently and this is where it gets fuzzy,
I said “yeah, yeah I am ok” then crawled to the water closet, got on the toilet
and promptly keeled over again onto the floor. From there I managed to get to
my feet, I do not remember this point, but according to my wife I was then
leaning against the door frame leading into our bedroom and I slithered down
the wall, dropped and bounced my head off the vanity. By now she was freaking
out, and now this is where my memory comes back, I think jolted to reality by
her saying she was going to call someone to help “I think she mentioned her
Mother or our son or paramedics or perhaps all” – well that was enough. I was
like no way anyone is coming in here to see me in this condition. Will make
sense to those that sleep without apparel, lol. I do remember shaking my head,
lying sort of on my side saying “No, no. Don’t call” then I flopped around a
bit, managed to get right side up and pretty much dragged my ass back to bed. Well,
its safe to say that was the end of the Phentermine from that point, lol. So from
then on I had to be really careful on what I ate and make sure I exercised. The
upside is that I have continued to lose weight, most certainly in smaller
increments, but atleast I am no longer falling around on the floor, and I am
back to my normal sleeping pattern, which is actually not a lot, maybe 6 hours
a night, but better than 3 for sure.
There was an additional upside during this time and that was
the time spent thinking and writing in the middle of the night. The previous
couple of years had seen me in a writing drought. I just lacked the motivation
and the energy to do much of anything. But during my waking time a couple of
things happened. I feel back on my old practice of working on my characters over
all life and falling back to her being my alter ego. A fairly easy thing to do
since I was still not where I wanted to be transitionally speaking. So I
developed more story content. Then I discovered vintage journals on Amazon. Got
one for my birthday, along with a fountain pen and so began writing in that journal.
At which point I decided to go back to handwriting my overall character
journey, following along with the books that I had planned, but also adding
lots more back story.
Inspiration struck. I developed two more book ideas. I attributed
this to the journal and the fountain pen, but one other thing had also occurred
during this time. As part of my research, I was looking into Celtic Gods and
Goddesses, as I want to have five Goddesses involved in my stories. While learning
about them I came across Brigid, or Brighid as I prefer, and I felt an instant
connection. Brighid is the old Celtic Goddess of the Hearth. She is a Sun
Goddess, by some a warrior Goddess, but also patroness of Poets, smiths, bards
and all things creative. So much of what I learned about her had deep meaning
and connection for me. During the rise of Christianity, she was syncretized and
then Saint Brigid arose with all the same holidays and attributes as the
Goddess. Brighid, I found, has influenced a great many cultures even to Haiti –
the connection I found was absolutely through my writing. So needless to say
Brighid became foremost of the Goddesses I was going to have as recurring
characters and with a special connection to my main character of Deanna.
I was writing up a storm, often while being awake for hours
at night, but I’d also be handwriting in my journal before and after work. Not since
beginning my writing have had this much inspiration, to the extent that I added
two more books, have ideas for a subset after this current set I am on and have
added thousands of years of back story and rebirths to my main character.
2021 saw a lot of development for me. I developed into a new
position at work, I developed an effective routine for healthier living. I
developed my characters and story arc and I developed myself and broadened my
research into ancient history, myths and legends. I have also, once more,
opened my mind to all things spiritual. I have always been more of a omnist and
find validity in all religions and spiritual beliefs, but have never found a
path that fit me, until now.
However, all good things, as they say, come to an end. And
so it is with the working remotely. While remote working was highly successful,
there has been a push from society to return to normal. Why? I have no idea.
What was so great about the old normal that we all have to rush to get back to
it? I am quite content working remotely. I do not fight my way through idiotic
drivers during rush hour just to arrive late and frustrated to work. I do not have
to spend the entire day in an office where the temperature is kept intolerably
hot. I do not have to be surrounded by constant distractions. Why can’t we
derive a new normal from everything that has happened? Maybe a hybrid approach.
I am sure I could live with that. Going into the office a couple of times a
week doesn’t seem like it would be too difficult, just as it should not be too
difficult for employers to allow us to work remotely a few days per week. I
mean they had us working from home when it was convenient for them, but now
that they can open up the offices again they are trying to drag us back kicking
and screaming, well atleast I am, lol. But oh well, there is only so much I can
do and there will come a time when I have to bow to the inevitable and return
to the overly stuffy, distracting office after having fought my way through a menagerie
of stupid, idiotic, foolish drivers.
Throughout the previous and beginning of this year I have
discovered one other thing. While I do tend to be a positive kind of person and
can often see the potential in anything that happens, there are times when I
just get really down. It is almost as if my natural positivity needs to recharge
for a day. But typically, I see the potential for improvement or success, if
not the silver lining. With all that has been going on, I have had a few more
recharge days than usual, lol.
Some changes also flowed over into 2022. Near the end of
2021 I was also provided the opportunity to participate in a diversity training,
centering around pronouns and why they are important and need to be respected.
I love these opportunities and I really like the fact that I work for an
employer that is so inclusive and has training opportunities like these. I have
another two this very month. But another cool thing is that the Pride ERG
nominated me to have a profile on my employers Career blog – which was really
cool. Sharing my story with so many is a great opportunity to be able to
influence others in a positive manner and ensure them that I do not want anyone
to change their beliefs, just their approach. It is not important that you
believe as I do, it is only important that you respect my identity as I respect
yours. I am coming at life with a new approach where hold back some of my
adversarial nature. I am not going to argue incessantly with closed minded
people, but what I am going to do is live my best life and be the most
authentic me that I can be. I will be kind, understanding and above all
respectful to all and whatever they believe. Will I fall short of that? Surely,
I will and that’s ok. I have fallen short of a lot of goals over the years, but
each time I pick myself back up and keep on going. That is what I am going to
do this year. And I will still push all the buttons.
This approach is going to be my guide in 2022, which I think
will be just as busy a year as 2021 was. I am at a weight where surgery is ok
and have already begun the process of getting insurance authorization for that,
while I continue to lose weight and get to what I want to be. I will continue
to live my best life, be me, be kind, be respectful and always pick myself up
when I fall short, fall down or fall apart, which I am sure will happen more
than once. And I am continuing to write and expand my books my characters and
my life. And I have been sending book submissions to agents. This is something I
have not done in many a year. Pretty much gave up on that years ago and settled
for publishing on kindle. It is free, and its cool to have all the control, but
I have concluded that I can learn only so much from continuing this approach. I
think I would benefit more from having an agent, a professional editor and a
publisher. If successful I would be able to reach more people, to bring about
more positive influence, particularly during this climate of Anti Trans
attitudes and laws. Atleast that is my hope. But this year I choose to alter my
focus in life. All too often in the past I have focused on my doubts and my
fears and that can only ever lead to you stumbling and falling and getting nowhere.
This year, for 2022 I choose a different path.
I am my only stumbling block in life, and I need to get out
of my own way. Now I choose to concentrate upon what I desire more with the
full belief that if I focus upon my goals, I will manifest them.
