A Trans story - Funk

A Trans Story – Funk

Well its been a while since I wrote anything on here. Was wondering if there was much of a point to it, and just really didn’t feel like it anyway. Been in a funk for a little bit now, I am slowly climbing my way out of it. Maybe one of the reasons I wasn’t mentioning it, or blogging about it was that I was tired of feeling sorry for myself and didn’t want to sound like a whiny little complainer. At times I feel most of my blog and comments perhaps come across like complaints, or that I am feeling sorry for myself. Its possible that on a subconscious level, I have been feeling sorry for myself and exuding an air of the downtrodden, when I am not. I also feel like I have been waving my Trans status around like a flag, or perhaps a wound is a better description, intentionally rocking the boat, trying to upset people and make them think their lives are so much better than mine. And that is not anywhere near the truth. My life is not all that bad. Oh there are things that get me down and quite a few things I’d like to change, but on the whole its not a bad life. I don’t experience hardship, atleast not compared to many, so what gives me the right to wave around my status like I am so much worse off than others?

Above is one of the reasons for my funk. I identified a few others while at my therapist the other week, and as it turns out I guess I am battling some recent rejections in my life, and to be honest, I simply was not prepared for it at all.

The biggest thing that’s been getting me down was losing my job earlier this year. Perhaps it’s a pride thing, but I have never, in my life, been laid off like that. Oh I came close once, when I first started working at Kroger, but back then I had a manager who saw something in me, believed in me and fought to keep me on his staff. This time I didn’t have that. My manager was not the type of person to fight the establishment and her boss wasn’t any better. What makes it harder for me, is that my being laid off came after several months of fighting with the corporate HR over benefits, since here in Nashville they excluded any visits relating to Gender dysphoria. When I mentioned this, the VP of HR, simply told me they could not make any exception for a condition. So there is was, I was downgraded to a condition, not even a person, I was simply a condition. For weeks I continued to email them, providing evidence and medical support as to why its essential for Transgender to receive health benefits, but got no answer. Finally I fell back on the exception part, and after doing some homework, I discovered that they had in fact made exceptions. They have locations in California where such exclusions are banned, so any health insurance offered out there would have to cover gender dysphoria. When I pointed this out, I was still rewarded by nothing but silence. And then a few weeks later, my job was over. Not only that, but in my last week, the entire AP team, other than me, was sent to corporate at Philly, that there was an indication of what was to come. The Director stated that I couldn’t go because I didn’t know AP – I was like, erm excuse me, my 13 year long AP resume would say differently. So there it was, I had been left behind, and then a few days later let go, and all of that after a fight with HR over benefits. Officially my position had been eliminated, but it felt personal. Oh well, nothing much I can do about it now.

I have been bitter about this for some months now, partly because I have never lost a job like that and have always made myself almost indispensable to my boss. In this situation I was unable to do that. Bitterness comes from more than just that though. This was the very first position where I was authentically me. I hid nothing. At the interview I told them I was Trans, and when I went to work I was never shy in talking about it. I made it a point of pride in fact. For the first time ever I was completely myself at a place of employment, smart ass and all, lol. They seemed to appreciate my smart ass personality and sense of humour and I felt comfortable for the first time, atleast up until the last couple of months of employment, when I knew that the benefits for the following year were going to discriminate against me, and the fact that I got no where with anyone. I was rejected by benefits, I was rejected by HR and I was rejected by my Manager and Director. Since then contact has been mostly one sided, with all but one person, and so that also adds to my feelings of rejection and so my authentic selfs pride took a bit of a bashing.

It has been with reflection that I have wondered if perhaps I was being too brazen when I stepped into that job. Maybe some were made uncomfortable by my waving the Trans thing around, and I don’t mean to say that they were uncomfortable with Trans, because everyone was very accepting of me. What I do mean, exactly, is difficult to put into words. But perhaps they were made uncomfortable because it felt like I was announcing their life was so much easier than mine and maybe it came across like I was attempting to force them to feel sympathy for my plight. That was not my intention, but its possible that it came across that way. Yes life is difficult when you’re Trans, but honestly mine has not been all that difficult.

My younger years were hard, but I was good at fitting in and equally good at ignoring my inner needs, so growing up was not too much of a hardship. And since coming out, accepting myself and growing into me, I have received almost complete acceptance from everyone. So there I was sailing along in my transition, nothing stopping me. I had my goal in sight, I was finally being me. I had a job where I was accepted for who I was and one that had necessary insurance and then bam, I run headlong into a wall. I lost my insurance, then my job and some friends and all of that after being, what I thought, was authentic.

The insurance loss was a large blow. I had plans, my goal was in sight and I knew that I could get to where I have always longed to be. Last year, I was flying high and felt that one day very soon I could wake up with the body that I needed. That I could wake up finally my complete self and not have this alien appendage on me. I felt that the clothes I wanted to wear would finally fit just right over my body and it was all possible through my insurance, and so very close, until that changed, and insurance was denied me. I crashed right then and have been crashing since.

My new job didn’t exactly help, partly because I am a temp I think, so there is no sense of ownership. But also because I feel I am hiding who I am. I started this job and have said nothing to anyone about being Trans. My supervisor knows and that’s it and I have told her that I didn’t want anyone else to know. Why? I don’t really know. Oh I mentioned that I wanted to be regarded as one of the girls. And to be honest I think I have managed that. The person who trained me just assumed I was married to a man, and when I clarified that, she assumed that I had only gotten legally married just a few years ago. That moment felt good, to be honest. It felt great to be accepted as just a regular woman. But there was, and still is a part of me that is shamed by this. At times, I feel shame that I am hiding who I am, that I am not owning the label society has given me. I have two warring parts within me. The prideful, rock the boat part of me wants to announce loudly to the world that I am Trans. My therapist even mentioned that I was rather like a Tornado, in that I don’t just pluck leaves from a tree, no I come blasting in and strip them all down in one fell swoop. Pretty much, that’s me, lol. I have always been one for causing a ruckus and that part of me is shamed that I appear to be hiding who I am. But another part of me is just plain tired of it. I am tired of fighting with people and getting nowhere. Tired of fighting for my rights, the simple right to be who I am. Tired of fighting to be called by my preferred pronouns. Tired of trying to convince people that only I have the right to define who and what I am. I am tired of it all.

It is difficult to come down to earth from such a high height, and to come with such speed and finality. My goals are now so far out of reach that I cannot even conceive of getting there at all. Oh I am working again, and the company is very accepting, but unfortunately in no rush to hire temps and so I still don’t have the insurance I need. I could work and work and save until I had the money I needed for my goals, but surgery, decent surgery is beyond expensive, and I cannot justify that expense to myself. Oh I don’t mind spending money on myself, but mostly small things, clothes, shoes and such, but to focus on me, with it being so expensive, nah, I cant do that. It’s a self worth thing I am sure, but I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to spend that much money on myself.

So what happens now? I don’t know. I crashed and burned from the high I was on last year. My goal is out if sight, it feels like my authentic me was rejected and I am having difficulty climbing out of this funk.

The pictures I have been posting recently were reflections of my moods and emotions. It was an idea from my therapist, since I enjoy taking pictures, and enjoy being outside, so she thought it would be good to combine both and make it useful. I needed something to occupy my mind, something enjoyable, while I worked my way through this funk. I opted for photography. Briefly I thought of writing, but too often I consider that a chore these days and so would not have found it enjoyable, and so I took pictures. The exercise has been interesting and illuminating. Besides have confirmation of how limiting the English language is when it comes to describing things, emotions, I have found, have many more dimensions than I at first thought. While one can be happy, sadness can be involved in that emotion too, and you are rarely feeling just one emotion. The last one I sent to her, was not one that I took recently, but one from a few years ago. I will paste it in here.

This picture represent my introspection. I am reflecting upon the past, what choices led me here and where to go now. The emotions attached to it are quite a bit of sadness. Now sadness is not a bad thing. There can be sadness even in something that is exciting, so I am fine with sadness. There is anticipation and worry over the future too.

Todays picture is here

 now this one, similar in so many ways, is actually quite different. This one represents anticipation, excitement and still just a smidge sadness. I anticipate the next stage in my journey, excited about the possibilities of what I now know I have to do, but sadness over the fact that some changes are necessary. Like I said, sadness is not bad. Any change should have atleast a little sadness attached to it, but if the possibilities excite you then its all worth it.

You see, I have decided upon a path, and what I need to do in life. I am not going to share it all here and now, some of that I will do later. But the steps I can share. The first is to get a job with benefits that cover me, second is to find out exactly who I am and be that person. I don’t want to be the brazen person that I was in the past, nor the wounded Trans, but I just want to be the confident, joyful, disciplined me, that I was at one point in my life. I know I have been all of those things, just not at the same time. My plan is to bring all them together and be me. And my final goal will never change. I just need to complete these steps to get to that goal. It may take a couple of years, something I am not too happy about, but I am determined to get there

A Trans Story - A year of being Myself

A Trans story – A year of being myself

So we are approaching the end of my first year of being myself. This is not to say that I have only been transitioning for a year, for that began more than two years ago. But I am choosing to count from the day I got my first job that accepted me as Gia. It’s a bit of an arbitrary decision, but we all have to begin somewhere.

So Jan 30 2017 I started work at CBS radio and this was my first job where they only knew me as Gia. Actually it was not that they only knew me as Gia, it was the place that first fully accepted me as I am. They accepted me as the smart ass, wise cracking, stubborn bitch that I am, lol. They accepted me as the prideful Scottish girl, and mostly they accepted me as the Trans Woman I have been growing into.

There have been many changes in me this year. Oh I am still the smart ass, wise cracking stubborn bitch, lol, but I have also learned a lot about myself. My confidence in myself and in who I am has increased more than I would have thought possible. I am far more comfortable with my identity than I ever have been in the past.

Throughout this year, I have explored many ideas and beliefs and have been trying to mold them into what fits for me. Religion has never been a big part of my life, and I find it less so now, but it is still a big part of life on this planet and so I have been trying to understand it, particularly the conservative viewpoint of several religions. The unchanging, conservative mindset has always been confusing to me. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that they cannot help it, for it is embedded in their religious beliefs. Ok, I will admit that I don’t know too much about Christianity, Islam, Judaism, but I do know they have the same roots. From my understanding they have similar beliefs of what happens after life on this planet and that belief is one of paradise, of a perfect place of peace and beauty. In other words a static, unchanging place. So to my mindset that very core belief makes it difficult for many practitioners of these religions to open their minds and accept new things. Now I do not lump all followers into this generality, mostly just the conservative ones, and like I mentioned, my understanding of their religions is limited. The thought of an unchanging, never ending so called paradise is not particularly appealing to me at all, and so I have continued to open my mind and try to figure out what I truly believe. Part of me does believe in a divine element in the Universe, whether that element created all, or just started it off I do not know. But am beginning to believe that we are a part of that divine element and our physical existence is but a part of the overall journey and our bodies are just what we wear to interact on this small planet. So how then does gender and identity fit in to all of this – who the hell knows, I am still trying to figure a lot of this crap out, lol. But even divine entities might have an identity and I happen to think mine was most certainly feminine. But why did I end up with a male body – again who the hell knows. It is an ongoing mystery and one that I may never figure out. But the important thing I have learned this year is to be more comfortable in my journey and to be more comfortable with my true self, my true identity and since this body is but the clothing I wear to interact in this reality, then I can choose to change it to fit my identity. That is my right. And throughout this year I have become more comfortable in that belief. It matters not what others think of me, whether they think I am mistaken, or weird, or sinning. The only thing that matters is that I am comfortable with my decisions and my choices and that I am comfortably in my “clothing”.

I have long had difficulty in the idea that one religion could possibly define a being that started creation, and so I have never really followed any of them. However, I have realised that my stubborn pride has led me to reject a lot of things that could possibly help. Throughout this past year my belief that all religions and science are needed to fully understand the truth, has been growing in leaps and bounds. I have started to read up and learn more about various religions. I still have great difficulty with the spiritual aspects, particularly all the rules of each religion. I cannot imagine how or why a divine entity would even care what rules we follow. Would they even have any rules? This is our adventure, it’s up to us to make our rules and break or follow them. But most religions disagree with that view and have a whole list of rules that one must follow. Those are the parts I have difficulty with when it comes to faith. It’s not so much the belief in a higher being, for I am beginning to believe we are all a part of a higher state, but it’s the rules and regulations, the doctrine that makes me cringe and discount most of the religions.

There have been other changes and achievements along the way. I managed to update my driver’s license to reflect my new name and have the correct Gender marker on there, which in Nashville can be a huge accomplishment. And I have submitted for a new residency card, which is taking a bit of time, but in time I should have it and it should reflect the correct gender. As it comes to my transition many things were falling into place, and all the success helped me feel more comfortable and confident in myself.

It’s too bad that it had to end on a bit of a sour note. I ran headlong into conservative, unchanging policy. I have long found many people to be mean, closed minded and small. Oh along the way I have met several wonderful people, of all walks of life, who are open minded, loving and accepting of all, but it seems the closed minded still outnumber the open, and that’s a shame. But to clarify – throughout most of 2017 I worked for a company that accepted me as me, Trans, smart ass and all, but towards the end of the year we were bought by another company, this one apparently less accepting. For where I had insurance coverage before, I found out that this company excluded visits relating to Gender Dysphoria, pretty much the biggest reason I need insurance. Despite repeated emails I have had limited response, nothing beyond them telling me tough this is the way it is. So in spite of the gains I have made, the gains we have made in the Trans community it seems we have further to go than ever before. Granted those gains were set back by the idiot we have in the Whitehouse and the fact that the close minded have a majority in our government. But we did see changes, particularly in many companies who decided to embrace diversity and recognize that a diverse workforce was a good thing. But not all companies are as accepting and open minded. Some employers pretend to support diversity. If you read their equal opportunity policy you would think they were supportive, but then in all but 11 states you would find their health care coverage does not live up to the promise of their equal opportunity policy. It is beyond my understanding, how a company can say we support equal opportunity in all things but health coverage. What is so different about me getting my hormone levels checked, and a Cis woman having the same thing done? Is my Trans blood more dangerous? Do they think it might infect them? I have no idea and it’s a real shame that as we begin 2018 the health coverage for Transgender is still an issue.

So yes 2017 saw many changes, most good, but some not so helpful. Despite the lack of coverage, I think the good of last year far outweighs the bad, but only because I have become more comfortable in my true self, and it is my true self that I intend to make blossom as we move into 2018.