A Trans Story – Funk
Well its been a while since I wrote anything on here. Was
wondering if there was much of a point to it, and just really didn’t feel like
it anyway. Been in a funk for a little bit now, I am slowly climbing my way out
of it. Maybe one of the reasons I wasn’t mentioning it, or blogging about it
was that I was tired of feeling sorry for myself and didn’t want to sound like
a whiny little complainer. At times I feel most of my blog and comments perhaps
come across like complaints, or that I am feeling sorry for myself. Its
possible that on a subconscious level, I have been feeling sorry for myself and
exuding an air of the downtrodden, when I am not. I also feel like I have been
waving my Trans status around like a flag, or perhaps a wound is a better
description, intentionally rocking the boat, trying to upset people and make
them think their lives are so much better than mine. And that is not anywhere
near the truth. My life is not all that bad. Oh there are things that get me
down and quite a few things I’d like to change, but on the whole its not a bad
life. I don’t experience hardship, atleast not compared to many, so what gives
me the right to wave around my status like I am so much worse off than others?
Above is one of the reasons for my funk. I identified a few
others while at my therapist the other week, and as it turns out I guess I am
battling some recent rejections in my life, and to be honest, I simply was not
prepared for it at all.
The biggest thing that’s been getting me down was losing my
job earlier this year. Perhaps it’s a pride thing, but I have never, in my
life, been laid off like that. Oh I came close once, when I first started
working at Kroger, but back then I had a manager who saw something in me,
believed in me and fought to keep me on his staff. This time I didn’t have
that. My manager was not the type of person to fight the establishment and her
boss wasn’t any better. What makes it harder for me, is that my being laid off
came after several months of fighting with the corporate HR over benefits,
since here in Nashville they excluded any visits relating to Gender dysphoria.
When I mentioned this, the VP of HR, simply told me they could not make any
exception for a condition. So there is was, I was downgraded to a condition,
not even a person, I was simply a condition. For weeks I continued to email
them, providing evidence and medical support as to why its essential for
Transgender to receive health benefits, but got no answer. Finally I fell back
on the exception part, and after doing some homework, I discovered that they
had in fact made exceptions. They have locations in California where such
exclusions are banned, so any health insurance offered out there would have to
cover gender dysphoria. When I pointed this out, I was still rewarded by
nothing but silence. And then a few weeks later, my job was over. Not only
that, but in my last week, the entire AP team, other than me, was sent to
corporate at Philly, that there was an indication of what was to come. The
Director stated that I couldn’t go because I didn’t know AP – I was like, erm
excuse me, my 13 year long AP resume would say differently. So there it was, I
had been left behind, and then a few days later let go, and all of that after a
fight with HR over benefits. Officially my position had been eliminated, but it
felt personal. Oh well, nothing much I can do about it now.
I have been bitter about this for some months now, partly
because I have never lost a job like that and have always made myself almost
indispensable to my boss. In this situation I was unable to do that. Bitterness
comes from more than just that though. This was the very first position where I
was authentically me. I hid nothing. At the interview I told them I was Trans,
and when I went to work I was never shy in talking about it. I made it a point
of pride in fact. For the first time ever I was completely myself at a place of
employment, smart ass and all, lol. They seemed to appreciate my smart ass
personality and sense of humour and I felt comfortable for the first time,
atleast up until the last couple of months of employment, when I knew that the
benefits for the following year were going to discriminate against me, and the
fact that I got no where with anyone. I was rejected by benefits, I was
rejected by HR and I was rejected by my Manager and Director. Since then
contact has been mostly one sided, with all but one person, and so that also
adds to my feelings of rejection and so my authentic selfs pride took a bit of
a bashing.
It has been with reflection that I have wondered if perhaps
I was being too brazen when I stepped into that job. Maybe some were made
uncomfortable by my waving the Trans thing around, and I don’t mean to say that
they were uncomfortable with Trans, because everyone was very accepting of me.
What I do mean, exactly, is difficult to put into words. But perhaps they were
made uncomfortable because it felt like I was announcing their life was so much
easier than mine and maybe it came across like I was attempting to force them
to feel sympathy for my plight. That was not my intention, but its possible
that it came across that way. Yes life is difficult when you’re Trans, but
honestly mine has not been all that difficult.
My younger years were hard, but I was good at fitting in and
equally good at ignoring my inner needs, so growing up was not too much of a
hardship. And since coming out, accepting myself and growing into me, I have
received almost complete acceptance from everyone. So there I was sailing along
in my transition, nothing stopping me. I had my goal in sight, I was finally
being me. I had a job where I was accepted for who I was and one that had
necessary insurance and then bam, I run headlong into a wall. I lost my
insurance, then my job and some friends and all of that after being, what I
thought, was authentic.
The insurance loss was a large blow. I had plans, my goal
was in sight and I knew that I could get to where I have always longed to be.
Last year, I was flying high and felt that one day very soon I could wake up
with the body that I needed. That I could wake up finally my complete self and
not have this alien appendage on me. I felt that the clothes I wanted to wear
would finally fit just right over my body and it was all possible through my
insurance, and so very close, until that changed, and insurance was denied me.
I crashed right then and have been crashing since.
My new job didn’t exactly help, partly because I am a temp I
think, so there is no sense of ownership. But also because I feel I am hiding
who I am. I started this job and have said nothing to anyone about being Trans.
My supervisor knows and that’s it and I have told her that I didn’t want anyone
else to know. Why? I don’t really know. Oh I mentioned that I wanted to be
regarded as one of the girls. And to be honest I think I have managed that. The
person who trained me just assumed I was married to a man, and when I clarified
that, she assumed that I had only gotten legally married just a few years ago.
That moment felt good, to be honest. It felt great to be accepted as just a
regular woman. But there was, and still is a part of me that is shamed by this.
At times, I feel shame that I am hiding who I am, that I am not owning the
label society has given me. I have two warring parts within me. The prideful,
rock the boat part of me wants to announce loudly to the world that I am Trans.
My therapist even mentioned that I was rather like a Tornado, in that I don’t
just pluck leaves from a tree, no I come blasting in and strip them all down in
one fell swoop. Pretty much, that’s me, lol. I have always been one for causing
a ruckus and that part of me is shamed that I appear to be hiding who I am. But
another part of me is just plain tired of it. I am tired of fighting with
people and getting nowhere. Tired of fighting for my rights, the simple right
to be who I am. Tired of fighting to be called by my preferred pronouns. Tired
of trying to convince people that only I have the right to define who and what
I am. I am tired of it all.
It is difficult to come down to earth from such a high
height, and to come with such speed and finality. My goals are now so far out
of reach that I cannot even conceive of getting there at all. Oh I am working
again, and the company is very accepting, but unfortunately in no rush to hire
temps and so I still don’t have the insurance I need. I could work and work and
save until I had the money I needed for my goals, but surgery, decent surgery
is beyond expensive, and I cannot justify that expense to myself. Oh I don’t
mind spending money on myself, but mostly small things, clothes, shoes and
such, but to focus on me, with it being so expensive, nah, I cant do that. It’s
a self worth thing I am sure, but I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to
spend that much money on myself.
So what happens now? I don’t know. I crashed and burned from
the high I was on last year. My goal is out if sight, it feels like my
authentic me was rejected and I am having difficulty climbing out of this funk.
The pictures I have been posting recently were reflections
of my moods and emotions. It was an idea from my therapist, since I enjoy
taking pictures, and enjoy being outside, so she thought it would be good to
combine both and make it useful. I needed something to occupy my mind,
something enjoyable, while I worked my way through this funk. I opted for
photography. Briefly I thought of writing, but too often I consider that a
chore these days and so would not have found it enjoyable, and so I took
pictures. The exercise has been interesting and illuminating. Besides have
confirmation of how limiting the English language is when it comes to
describing things, emotions, I have found, have many more dimensions than I at
first thought. While one can be happy, sadness can be involved in that emotion
too, and you are rarely feeling just one emotion. The last one I sent to her,
was not one that I took recently, but one from a few years ago. I will paste it
in here.
Todays picture is here
now this one, similar in so many
ways, is actually quite different. This one represents anticipation, excitement
and still just a smidge sadness. I anticipate the next stage in my journey,
excited about the possibilities of what I now know I have to do, but sadness
over the fact that some changes are necessary. Like I said, sadness is not bad.
Any change should have atleast a little sadness attached to it, but if the
possibilities excite you then its all worth it.
You see, I have decided upon a path, and what I need to do
in life. I am not going to share it all here and now, some of that I will do
later. But the steps I can share. The first is to get a job with benefits that
cover me, second is to find out exactly who I am and be that person. I don’t want
to be the brazen person that I was in the past, nor the wounded Trans, but I
just want to be the confident, joyful, disciplined me, that I was at one point
in my life. I know I have been all of those things, just not at the same time.
My plan is to bring all them together and be me. And my final goal will never
change. I just need to complete these steps to get to that goal. It may take a
couple of years, something I am not too happy about, but I am determined to get
there
