Growth, orientation, Identity – forever changing
So I have been pondering something lately. It started with
orientation and jumped over to identity and growth and how we are always
labeling ourselves and putting ourselves into boxes. Even those of us who have
stepped out of the closet put ourselves back into a box.
Starting with orientation. Why are we limiting ourselves.
For many years people were stuck in their closets, afraid to come out, scared
of being themselves and then when they finally do, what happens, they label
themselves, mostly Gay or Lesbian – why? I have come to realise that it might
be fear, or a desire for special status.
We are told that orientation is fluid, so it does not need
to stop at Gay, or Lesbian. It would continue across a spectrum, and should be
based upon attraction. So then we need to ask the question – what is
attraction? Well we know its chemically based. Pheromones play a large part in
it, and yes physical features too. Many things depend upon what we find
visually pleasing, but personality, and experiences play a tremendous role in
attraction, but Gender has really nothing to do with it at all. So why do we
feel the need to jump out of one role and keep ourselves locked into another.
In various LGBTQIA forums I have come across many comments
regarding orientation and have noticed something. Those identifying as Bisexual
are often given a hard time and constantly told to choose a side. Why?
Why do people want them to choose a side? Why should it be
about choosing a side? Should it not be about choosing a person. Attraction
should be about finding a person who can become part of your life, who can help
you grow, challenge you and enhances your life. Its not about the parts. A
person is not the sum of their parts. They are the sum of their experiences and
that is where attraction begins. I now believe attraction changes with growth
and experience.
We know that homophobia is actually fear of being
homosexual. So perhaps biphobia is fear of that. The folks telling bisexuals to
choose a side are telling me they are really afraid that they themselves are
bisexual and so they feel the need to make others correspond to their labels.
I have been thinking this while contemplating my own journey
and my own growth. In my younger years I was exclusively attracted to girls.
Its through my journey and coming to know myself that I am now finding that
attraction was kind of based on envy. I was envious of the girls. We often want
what we don’t have. Growing up I didn’t have the outside shell that I felt I
should have, and that formed a large part of my attraction. Oh don’t get me
wrong, I am still attracted to women, but I have noticed an increased
attraction to men. Granted its just any guy. I still find hairy faces to be
particularly yucky, lol. But I can now see a man and think that he is handsome,
or sexy, and attractive. Perhaps because my mind is more open. Perhaps because
I have come to know myself and perhaps because I am finally becoming the person
that I always longed to be and so therefore do not envy women as much. But also
I think it is because attraction is the basis for so called orientation and I believe
that both of those are fluid and change constantly. And as I mentioned earlier,
attraction should be about finding the person who enhances your life, not the
gender. None of these realisations will change my circumstances or my life
much, since I have already found the person who enhances my life. I am simply
acknowledging a change in my thinking, in my attitude and that I have grown enough
to realise that we often leave one label, or role, only to jump into another and
hold onto that one even more tightly than before.
When I first came out I was told by many how brave I was to
step out and acknowledge and work towards being my true self. But in all
honesty I didn’t. I stepped out of my closet and immediately identified as being
Transgender, then further labeled myself a Trans woman and a lesbian. So in
effect I stepped from a closet and jumped into a box, within a box, within a
box. Why? Was it through fear? Or for some kind of special status? – it was
both.
While I was in my closet, I was there because it felt safe.
Was I happy there? No, but it felt safe and something I was familiar with.
Eventually, like many others it became too confining and I had to admit to myself
and others what and who I was. But when I did that, I immediately wrapped
myself with another identity, another label. And that is the crazy part. I don’t
believe in labels. I think society gives these labels because people need to
categorize and are fearful of the unknown.
Stepping out of the closet was a new, and fearful thing to
do. I had no comfort zone, nothing to cover me and make me feel safe. But then I
saw the label of Transgender and I wrapped that around me. It made me feel
safe, special even. I was part of a small segment of the population, rare even.
I grabbed hold of that specialness and waved it around like a flag, pretty much
throwing it in societies face. It made me feel strong, but once again I was
actually just hiding. When I first came out, and up until recently, I identified
as a Trans Woman Lesbian. I have explained this in the past as taking the label
that society has given me and making it my own, for pride, for strength and
basically to stick it to society for being so small minded. And while some of
that is true, I now find that I was limiting myself just as much as I was when I
was in my closet.
Am I a woman? Yes. Am I Trans? Yes. Am I a lesbian? Yes. But
I am not limited to these. I am all of these and I am none of these.
I am not just a Trans Woman lesbian. I am more than that. I
am me.
