A Trans Story - Are we more than our names?

A Trans Story – Who are we? Are we more than our names?

 

So its been a while since I wrote a blog. Not really been too much happening, just working and going home, working and going home – the usual stuff. Yup some might be surprised – us Trans folks do regular living too, lol.

Anyway I have been toying with a question recently. It started out with me wondering how long it takes you to get used to your new name? And then I began wondering who are we? And are we more than the names we choose?

I was asking that, because we get to choose our names, and most of us, I think, choose names that inspire us, or who we think we are.

Most people in the West don’t get to choose their names, oh some decide later in life that their given names are not who they really are, but I think that most people grow to accept those names. The names given by our parents. But I often wonder – how do they know what name will fit you best. And does it even really matter. Isnt a name, just a name?

Either way it goes, being Trans I grew up with a different name. Got used it being yelled at me for about 40 years, lol. Now I have changed it and I never expected it to take this long for me to get used to it. Oh I am fine at work and all, but then in my new job they have never known me as anything other than Gia. But I find that when family, or older friends address me by my chosen name then it sounds kinda odd. Sometimes I think its because I have not become Gia yet.

And then ofcourse I have to think. How do I become Gia? How long will it take? And then the inevitable question – Who is Gia?

So if its because I don’t feel I have become Gia, then what else do I need to do? It might indeed be that I don’t think I have become Gia. I am only about 2 years in and I am still learning and growing. Quite possibly a part of me feels I have not suffered enough yet and only when I have will I be ready to be Gia. Maybe I am thinking its because I have not completed all the steps that I feel the need to complete. But then I wonder how much longer will that take? and will I be in limbo until that point?

But then my thoughts go on to what makes a person? Its certainly not a name that’s for sure. I have never even considered that a person is limited to what their name suggests. A name is only a handle to their jug really. A way of remembering the person and identifying them. So why do I still feel slightly uncomfortable when some call me by my chosen name?

One of my larger concerns about transitioning was actually the name change. There was not ever a chance of me keeping my given name, and part of me hated to change it. I mean after all these years I had kinda gotten used to it, rubbed some of the rough edges off it. Maybe that’s my discomfort. Maybe Gia is just too new and maybe the still squeaks when I turn around too fast J - I haven’t really had a chance to, how shall we say, break it in. After all I have only carried the name, legally, for a few months and still haven’t gotten all my ID’s updated.

Oh, there is another possible reason for some discomfort. My Id’s do not match my legal name, nor how I present myself, so I am basically a big walking ball of incongruity. It is taking quite some time to get everything into alignment. I changed my name legally in February, but had to change my immigration card. However since its so dang costly I decided that I wanted to change my name and gender marker at the same time, but immigration requires a letter from an MD. My medical provider at the time was a nurse practitioner, and so there was another waiting game for me to get insurance so I could go see a doctor. But that didn’t take too terribly long – no the longest part has been waiting on Immigration to read a court document and a medical letter and approve my changes. It took them 2 months to set up my appointment and now I need to wait on my card being mailed to me. And all of this before I can even get my Divers license updated – sheesh so much hassle. So what ya think? Could this be some of my discomfort? Probably.

Then here is another idea. My given name. It was the one given me by my Mother and throughout most of my life I never ever considered changing it. I spent all those years dreaming about transitioning, but during that time never gave thought to my name. I guess my mind was on weightier matters, lol. Perhaps I am feeling a bit of guilt for changing that which my mother gave me. I know it must have had an emotional impact on her. I cant even imagine how a mother would feel about a son actually being a daughter. So yes there is a bit of guilt there.

But to be honest, growing up, I never really felt like Graham either. I am not sure who or what I felt like, but Graham just didn’t seem the best fit, but still I never considered changing it. And since moving to the States the name had actually become a big pain in the bloody ass, particularly with my accent and how I roll my R’s. Have you ever tried to get an American to understand your name when it has an R and you roll them – talk about an eye rolling experience, lol. So part of me was glad to get rid of that cumbersome name, which is probably adding to my guilt, lol.

And then I wonder. Why do I only feel this way with close friends and family? Is it perhaps because they have known me longer. They knew me as Graham, or what they thought was Graham, and part of me wonders what they are truly thinking now. Oh they have been wonderfully supportive, all but one, but that one don’t matter. And I am more than thankful for the support, but at a deeper level I do often wonder what they think and feel about me. Yes they support and accept me, but do they understand me? Do they understand the need I have become who I am meant to be? Do they understand the need to change my name? Do they understand what has been driving me all these years? Or are they just supporting me because we are family? Sometimes I wonder if people that have known me most of my life are just indulging me. I can never know if they truly understand. Maybe that’s why I feel some discomfort.

Or maybe it’s a bit of everything. Part of me does think that I have not become Gia yet. I feel that I have more steps to take, more things to go through before I fully become Gia. I have to figure out exactly who she is. I have always maintained that I am not changing, I am just accepting who I am and fixing the outside, but I have to admit there is a huge growth curve involved too and part of that growth is figuring out who Gia is. There might be some personality differences from Graham and those are things I am learning. And I am sure there is guilt for giving up on my given name, something else I need to learn to live with. And some part of me wondering who understands me, since I am not sure anyone can fully understand unless they are actually Trans.

But such is life. Its full of ups and downs, and new things to learn, new ways to figure out who I am, and who I want to become, but its never dull and there is always something new to discover on my path to becoming Gia.